Bubba J

New Photo Blog

2008-09-25T12:56:00.003-05:00

Thanks so much for sharing our journey with us. Now that Bubba is born, you can check out life outside the womb at:

http://lilbaileyanne.blogspot.com

With love,
Cheryl and Mark

She's Gonna Be So Pissed At Me...

2008-09-22T22:16:00.003-05:00

Sixteen years from now, when she finds out I posted this photo on my blog. But I rarely see Bailey alert, and need to remember when she was like this.

Bailey Anne

2008-09-21T14:46:00.005-05:00

Our daughter, Bailey Anne (formerly known as Bubba J) was born on Wednesday 17 September 2008 at 1:00 PM Central Time; weighing 6 pounds, 3 ounces at 18 inches long.

This a photo of her with her dad :)

We thank everyone for all of their love and support. Yahoo! She is here!

Ouch!

2008-09-16T17:00:00.003-05:00

Strange sensations in my belly. Lots of tightening going on. Belly feels like a rock now. Plus ouchy pains in my lower abdomen. I am not supposed to call the dr. unless I'm in so much pain that I can hardly speak. (Ironic, huh?)

The good thing is that I have a check-up tomorrow. So we'll just wait and see what happens.

The even better thing is that if no progress is made, we're still gonna evict baby girl on the 22nd anyway.

Bubba's Doing Great

2008-09-11T19:42:00.001-05:00

She got another 8/8 yesterday. My blood pressure has gone down, thank goodness. Bed rest is definitely helping. Dr. MacKay said I don't have to wear TED hose anymore. Hurrah.

I'm learning to sleep longer through the night--it's called Tylenol and Benadryl. It definitely helps. Mark blocks the ringing in my ears by keeping a fan on in our room, so I am much perkier in the morning.

As for getting used to bed rest, I'm getting lots of sleep. It's a gift. We're resigned to the fact that we will induce labor on the 22nd (week 39). So now I can relax.

We caught Little Miss sucking her thumb on the ultrasound this week. She also has very full, luscious lips. Lucky girl. She won't have the urge for restalyne when she gets older.

Adventures in Preeclampsia

2008-09-04T17:31:00.007-05:00

Over the past few weeks, my blood pressure has been rising. The numbers aren't outrageous. But still, on the higher side of normal. Since Tuesday morning, I have been on bedrest again. But this time, it's serious. When I am upright, I do notice that my heartbeat is ever so slightly higher than before.

To insult the vain side of myself, Dr. MacKay's office put me in TED Hose, or very thick white compression hosiery which prevents embolisms. They are pretty darn ugly. (TED is a brand, like Kleenex is to facial tissue, by the way). I have to wear these stockings all the darn time. It kind of gets uncomfortable by hour 20, and I subconsciously take them off in my sleep.

The pregnancy hormones have wreaked havoc on my body in ways I had no idea were possible. Many of my joints are looser than before--even my left temporomandibular joint (TMJ), this is where your bottom jaw connects to our skull. Well, mine used to be locked up pretty tight, but now it's loose, and I have no bite whatsoever. I am forced to eat softer foods as a result.

The newest health issue is that I have a constant chirping noise in my ears. Again, this is because the pregnancy hormones loosed up certain canals in my ears, so as my blood pulses throughout my body, it's as if I can hear it. ALL NIGHT LONG. It drives me nuts. Thank goodness for bed rest, because I can catch up on ZZZZs during the day.

And then there is the fact that these are hormones we are talking about. I have cried a ridiculous number of times for various reasons. Sometimes I feel like a fat cow (as I type this, I am in Mark's track pants and socks, as they accomodate the TED hose much easier than my other clothes). Mark suggested we take a photo of me in my new stylish (not) get-up. I flatly refuse to have any evidence that I look this deranged. But he wants proof to our baby girl of how much we are willing to go through to have her. I think we can just show her this blog and be done with it.

I now have to see Dr. MacKay twice a week to monitor my blood pressure and other preeclampsia indicators. Sometimes I get so totally bored during the day, but oh well. I keep reminding myself that Bubba is fine, and she will be here in 2.5 weeks or less.

* Bubba is doing just fine. She earned another 8/8 last Wednesday. :)

Heparin Comedy of Errors

2008-09-04T02:35:00.004-05:00

Dr. MacKay prescribed me a different form of Heparin a week ago. I need to start injecting every 12 hours instead of every 24, just in case I go into labor, I will still be able to get an epidural, or have a C-Section without risk to my health.

After my appointment I went straight to Walgreen's to get it filled, knowing that injections take at least 24 hours to process. I was told to call on Friday morning.

Well, 3 days later (last Saturday) I called Walgreen's to find out if the Heparin was ready. It was not. In fact, the pharmacist tech has NO IDEA when it would come in. Not cool.

So... I called Dr. MacKay's office to figure out what to do. They suggested that I have the Rx transferred to our local hospital pharmacy, because they believed it shouldn't be that difficult to get in general.

I called--and they had it. And I was told that generally retail pharmacies will have a difficult time getting this form of Heparin because of a recent recall--just so that I'm aware. If only my OB/GYN's office knew that as well. Then I wouldn't have been without an anti-coagulant for a few days.

I called at 4:05 PM, so Mark only had a few minutes to go and get the Heparin for me before this pharmacy closed at 5:00 PM for the long weekend. Thankfully he did.

But get this: the Heparin was pre-filled, BUT THERE WERE NO NEEDLES. It was completely useless. There was no way to inject myself. To make things worse, the pharmacy only gave Mark a five days' supply and told him he needed to come back for the other 50 injections on Tuesday--the next day that they were open.

So... I managed to get 4 needles to start using the Heparin that I have (long story, worthy of a completely different post). That was fine. But Mark and I decided to pick up the rest of the Heparin we needed and ask for needles after Bubba's appointment today.

What a joke. At first the pharmacy had NO CLUE what I was talking about, when I asked them for the remaining Heparin. They suggested that we go to a completely different location to ask for the drug. When we arrived there, the pharmacists managed to figure out what we were talking about. They handed me a bag of 50 injections and thought I should go on my merry way. When I told them that I still needed needles, the woman thought I was completely insane.

"There are needles in there."
"No, actually, there are not." I say.
"I've been giving this to people all the time and never had a problem."
"There still aren't any needles in the injections. You can open one up if you like." I told her. And so she did. Sure enough, no needle to be found. She picked up the phone to call the hospital nurse to figure this out. The nurses told her that there are needles loaded in the injections, but now she knew better. She spoke to a colleague as well, who said he's dealt with this before. That guy came over to convince me that the injections had needles. I told him, that he was mistaken and invited him to take a look at the one we opened just now. He was dumbstruck. The pharmacy was at a complete loss as to what to do.
"Do you have a line?" He asked me.
"A what?" I replied.
"An IV line." He said. I wasn't attached to anything so the obvious answer to his question was a big fat no.
"My original script says the Heparin is administered sub-q." I reply. In layman's terms, this means the drug needs to be injected into the skin, hence I need needles.

At this point, my exasperated husband said, "Could you just give her some needles? That's all that we're missing."
"Oh yes! We have needles. We can give you needles." The guy said. Are you f-ing kidding me? What have I been saying for the past 10 minutes?

So now, I have the joy of injecting myself twice daily (instead of once) of this burning, searingly painful stuff. When I tell my daughter I love her, I don't think she will ever have any idea what I mean by that.

* As an aside, I mentioned to Mark that it was probably easier to get dope than Heparin in our new hometown. I'm serious. His reply, "Those people don't run the pharmacy like a business. I mean, if I was a drug dealer, and I was selling heroin, I'd make sure my customer had a needle."

Good Medical Care Is Priceless, Reason 2,167

2008-08-29T13:25:00.004-05:00

It's hard enough to find an OB/GYN that understands your numerous medical conditions and can respond to your needs. But to find three in a row? I believe that Mark and I have been pretty blessed to find Drs. Stephenson, DiGiovanni, and MacKay. They were with us at the time that we really needed them, and are so gracious to work together to ensure we have the best care possible.

So, when it was time to find a pediatrician, I did not know where to begin. I called the two closest practices in our community and felt like it was a cattle call. Both had elaborate websites with multiple locations and 20-plus doctors. It made me think that Little Miss Johnson would be seeing a different pediatrician every time she came in. It seemed a bit impersonal.

Now, I don't hope I will be come a helicopter mom--hovering over our little girl at every moment, but I value the personal attention and care I have received from the medical professionals we saw so far this year. The idea that our child would not have this experience kind of makes me nervous--only because until now, so many of my issues were pretty much ignored for one reason or another.

This week, Dr. MacKay suggested her own pediatrician to us. He is located in the next town, but she said, "He listens to every question I have and doesn't think I'm crazy (this coming from a DOCTOR). Plus your baby will see him almost every time she has a check up. He's great." After hearing her recommendation, I was convinced this is the doctor for Bubba.

Well, I called this doctor today. At first, his receptionist said Dr. Hobbs' practice is full and he simply cannot accept any new patients. She suggested other doctors in the practice and asked me to choose. To me, they were just names. It didn't mean anything.

"I know it is so much to ask, but could Dr. Hobbs make an exception? My OB recommended him highly, and I just moved here from Chicago, so I'm pretty much new to everything. Her name is Heather MacKay."

The receptionist put me on hold for a few minutes before delivering the good news, "Dr. Hobbs is happy to include your child in his practice. When someone is referred by a current patient, he can sometimes make an exception."

Phew! We have an appointment to meet Dr. Hobbs on 9 September.

Bubba's "No Birth Plan" Birth Plan

2008-08-28T20:09:00.003-05:00

Being on Heparin has certainly improved my clotting issues, but yesterday I learned that it makes my labor and delivery a little bit complicated.

Heparin, as a blood thinner, is helpful in making sure the baby gets the nutrients she needs as blood crosses through the placenta. It prevents little clots from forming, causing traffic jams in my veins and arteries. This is a good thing.

However, when it is time to deliver Bubba, it is not a good idea for any Heparin to be in my system at all. My blood needs to be able to clot, else I am at risk.

So... Dr. MacKay and I discussed our actual 'birth plan'. In my mind, it was comical to have this conversation with her. Mark and I have tried to register for childbirth preparation courses in our area, but they are all full. Talk about baby boom! So, I was concerned that we will be totally clueless and have no idea when the little one is born. Mark is not as worried as I am--he figures people have been having babies all the time, so someone will know what to do.

Here is what Dr. MacKay plans to do with us:

1. If Bubba does not arrive sooner, we plan to induce labor one week before our due date: Monday 22 September 2008. This would mean that I stop Heparin injections the night the before and check into the hospital that evening. I will be given drugs to speed up the ripening of my cervix that night. The next day, we are off to the races, Oxytocin, Epidurals, and all. If for some reason, our daughter will not come out, I will have a C-Section. The end.

2. At any time between now and the 22nd, if I do not feel well, and sort of feel like labor pains are coming round, I can skip a Heparin injection (starting this weekend I have to take one shot every 12 hours). After 12 hours, either I will be in active labor (and in the clear to take drugs or give birth without complications) or not (then I can resume with the Heparin injections). Even then, it is not wise for me to have my heart set on avoiding a C-Section. It may still be a realistic scenario.

...So the learning from this experience is that no matter how much a person plans for the birth of their child, a lot is truly left up in the air. I'm kind of relieved that we did not invest a lot of time in making elaborate plans for her birth, like what CDs to play during delivery, and getting a birthing tub, etc. I just want to make sure that the little one and I make it through this experience with our health.

Aside from that, Bubba got another 8/8 during her biophysical profile. She's getting bigger. Nan, the technician, took a funny photo of her. She had her mouth wide open, as if she was yawning. From the angle of the sonogram, the baby kind of looks like a cute muppet. I laughed.

My weight gain is tapering off a bit, but my center of balance has really made me clumsy. I twisted both ankles the other day while watering the lawn. My dismount was not very graceful, and I crash-landed on my behind (at least it wasn't my belly). Oh well. At least I wasn't completing for any cash prizes at the time. :)

guest blog from Mr. J: Making things simple

2008-08-24T18:39:00.002-05:00

With all of the new and interesting baby pains that Cheryl is experiencing, we have decided that it would be more efficient for us to having some codes for the pains so I know how seriously to react. Also, with Football season upon us in 4 days, the additions of "audibles" to our daily life just makes good sense.

So below are the three types of "AHHHS" you may hear in Swiss Family Johnson.

1) "Pele" -- These big kicks that Bubba makes which give mommy an owie.

2) "Toni" -- Braxton- Hicks contractions. I didn't want Cheryl yelling "Taylor" after that no talent American Idol ass clown from Alabama

3) "Hellmans" -- The real deal; contractions that could lead to a new free agent for Team Johnson.

So if you hear Cheryl yelling, "Hellmans, Hellmans, Hellmans" my darling wife might not be talking about a sale a Byerlys, but rather prepping for the main event.

Bubba Get's A-Plus From Dr. MacKay for the 3rd Week in a Row!

2008-08-21T19:45:00.003-05:00

Every Wednesday, I go to Dr. MacKay's office for a quick check-up and a Biophysical Profile of the baby. This is an ultrasound, that looks at four critera, rating each on a scale of 0-2, with 2 being the best. Those critera are: heartbeat, diaphragm movement, movement of baby, and amniotic fluid measurements.

We have done this for the past three weeks, and each time, Bubba has scored 8/8. We are so relieved.

This past Wednesday, the baby girl actually co-operated with the ultrasound technician and we got a glimpse of her face without her hiding behind her hands or feet. She is much chubbier than before, and has a little pout. It made me laugh.

Things otherwise have been up and down. I'm not feeling so great, all considered. Okay, I know that I'm still gaining about 1 lb per week. But my digestive system is out of whack, and I suffer from insomnia in the worst way. It is certainly a blessing that I am not working these days. I don't know how anyone can function during business hours. I can hardly keep my eyes open.

My nesting instinct (if that is what my marathon errand running endeavor could be called) earlier this week is faded and gone. I assume that things will get done whenever they need to, but I have no energy to knock any more stuff off my list with the determination of a heat-seeking missile. There simply isn't enough time in the day. :)

Is This What They Call Nesting?

2008-08-20T10:10:00.003-05:00

Since moving to Edina, my 'to do' list has been long. I have all sorts of errands that need to get done, including sending a 35 lb subwoofer to Bose for repair, buying window treatments, etc. In the last 48 hours, I have been able to knock off a bunch of stuff off that list. I think I've been more productive now than I was in the month of July. This includes waiting in line at the DMV for 1.5 hours to get a Minnesota license, registering my car... all of this while being sleep deprived as pregnancy insomnia has kicked in big time.

Some say that your baby will arrive soon once your nesting instinct kicks in. Hmmmmm.

Please Do Not Send Us Baby Clothing... We Are All Set. :)

2008-08-10T19:16:00.003-05:00

My cousin, Malou, took me to Babies R' Us this week. The last time I step foot in that store, I was in my mid-twenties, trying to be helpful to my best friend, Aubree. By the time we walked out of the store, she had a cart packed with $500, just in supplies. It was flabbergasting, I thought I was going to break out into hives.

With Malou's help, we now have an infant car seat, an extra base, a bathtub and bathing supplies, a few bottles, bottle brush, and onesies.

My mom in law was here this weekend as well. We trolled the Mall of America and rounded out the baby girl's layette. I went home with blankets, bibs, footed bodysuits, sleep sacks, onesies, a going home outfit, a little cuddle toy, and a few more goodies.

When we arrived home, I also received a package from my cousin Mina: hand me downs from my beautiful Goddaughter, Isabella.

I think Miss Bubba is set! She won't need any clothing until she outgrows her 6 month clothes.

In order to prepare for her arrival, my mom in law and I cut off all of the tags and washed all of the baby's things. I was a bit scared at first, but feel like it's time. I need to be ready when our baby girl is born, and won't have the opportunity to do the wash if I'm at the hospital.

Please pray that the little one arrives without incident.

Much love,
Cheryl

Bubba Bump

2008-08-05T18:07:00.004-05:00

My girlfriends asked to see a bump photo for a while. Since I got my haircut for the first time in 3 months, I thought today was a good day to take a photo. Here we are (Bubba and I) at 32 weeks and 1 day.

It's Time To Start Shopping, Argh!

2008-07-31T20:38:00.003-05:00

My mom mentioned that we should start buying some baby stuff. If Bubba could come any minute, we'll need to at least have a car seat and a few things for her to wear. But I nearly freaked out today while trying to look for things.

It's not the expense, but really... I worry. What if she won't be okay? I talked myself down from that ledge. The reality is that she has a very high survival rate if she's born now. And if she is not well, Bubba will still need a place to sleep and clothes to wear, among many other things.

I'm not as scared as I was three months ago, but...

Homestretch?

2008-07-31T00:18:00.005-05:00

I saw Dr. MacKay yesterday. So far, my UTI is responding well to the prescribed antibiotics. Also, my blood platelet count is normal, so the Heparin is doing fine.

My belly is covered in nasty bruises from the Heparin, but I'm getting better at injecting myself. It used to hurt so bad that I cried. Now I just add an ice pack before and after I inject myself. The bruising isn't nearly as bad, and the I cry on fewer occasions. Thank goodness.

Starting next week until I give birth, I will have weekly ultrasounds to check Little Miss Bubba's growth and lung development, to unsure the Heparin is helping.

So far, Dr. MacKay's uterine measurements show the baby is growing on track. Baby Girl's heartbeat is strong and varies quite a lot (this is apparently a good thing). Plus, she moves quite a bit.

Tonight, while doing my injection, the Bubba shoved her foot in the middle of my belly. I saw a little outline of her foot! It was creepy, since I was almost about to inject myself at the very same spot. What if I stuck her?!

Well, I changed my injection site--then she kicked me there immediately thereafter. OUCH.

My Trip to L&D... Again

2008-07-26T21:44:00.003-05:00

I started feeling horribly painful cramps on Thursday evening and saw brown discharge later that night. Sometimes that is not a bad thing, but I was advised to call Dr. MacKay's office just in case.

On Friday morning, I was at L&D again. I was given an IV bag to stay hydrated and a shot to stave of contractions. It turns out that I have a UTI (TMI, I know), and these can cause preterm labor. So now, I am on an antibiotic on top of everything else.

So the moral of this story is: don't hold your #1s. If nature calls, just go.

I have taking it easy this weekend as a result. Have to go to the Doctor's Office to recheck my UTI culture as well as get my blood platelet count. Man, I'm tired.

Heparin = Yuck

2008-07-23T21:32:00.001-05:00

I don't like it. I don't like the fact that my body is such a mess that it needs it. It hurts. Way too many medical professionals have lectured me on how to inject myself, and now I know why. I mean, in theory it's very straight forward, but man, does that hurt. The medicine actually burns a lot, and now I have two very sore spots on my belly--plus some nasty bruises.

The only thing that keeps me going is the fact that Bubba is still alive and kicking--and we so badly want her to come through with flying colors.

I don't know if I'm up for doing all of this again for another child. I'm so uncomfortable I want to cry.

Musings From An Insomniac

2008-07-22T03:47:00.002-05:00

My biorhythm is off, as usual. I am getting increasingly uncomfortable and it's difficult to sleep. I think the extra bulk and weight is hard, plus, the baby is becoming stronger and more active. She kicks me awake! I take this as a positive.

I'm back in Edina now and will start Heparin injections later today. This will be interesting. I've never willingly stuck myself with needles, much less injected a drug into my body. (I have used a lancet to stick my finger in 7th grade science class to figure out my blood type, but that is about it.)

One thing I noticed lately is that strangers feel like it's okay to talk to me and ask about my pregnancy. As a former New Yorker, I find it completely strange to have anyone I do not know just walk up and talk to me.

First, I am asked when the baby is due. Then, the gender of the little one. And finally, if I am so excited, or if the nursery is ready, or if I plan to breastfeed or not, or am I going to opt for an epidural or have a natural childbirth, or if my parents or parents-in-law are excited about the baby, blah blah blah. In general, I try to be polite and try to cut off the conversation. Other times, I pretend I'm preoccupied with a book or my iPhone, but what I really want to tell these people is to mind their own business.

I know these strangers mean well. I suppose they see a pregnant woman and they reminisce of the time their own children were born. Believe me, I get questioned by both men and women on this one. Especially new dads. Argh. I am aware that having children is a common experience for many people, and it transcends socioeconomic backgrounds, race, etc. But seriously, back off! I don't have to explain myself to anyone, and my history is so sad and painful, it's not something I want to discuss with strangers.

Perhaps if my first pregnancy went along swimmingly, I would be more than happy to answer all of those questions. Perhaps I'd even shout them from the rooftops. So here's what I am learning from this experience: if ever I see a pregnant woman that I do not know personally, I will refrain from getting all in her business. I have no idea what she went through to get to that point. For all I know the pregnancy is unwanted. Or she is a gestational carrier. I will just smile and keep my mouth shut. And perhaps open a door for her.

Here are my answers:
When are you due?
I don't know when our baby is due. She is supposedly due on 29 September, but given my current health condition, she could arrive anytime before then.

Are you having a boy or a girl?
As far as we can tell, we are having a girl.

Are you so excited?
Um, no, actually, I am very concerned. I wake up every morning and just hope she'll kick me to tell me she's alive. I get nervous every time I feel any sort of pain. I am a wreck when it's time to go to the restroom, for fear I'll see blood or worse. Every time I get more than one Braxton Hicks contraction in an hour, I wonder if I'm going into preterm labor.

Is your nursery ready?
No. We don't even have a crib. We don't want to get too excited about a room in our house when there is no one living there yet. There will be plenty of time to decorate later.

Do you plan to breastfeed?
I really don't know. Let's wait and see if we have a baby. Then figure out if she's hungry and can feed on her own. Let's not put the cart before the horse.

Are you planning to have a natural childbirth or have an epidural?
Again, I have no idea. If she comes early, we may not have any choice in the matter. Also, if we have our heart set on a plan, and things don't go the way we want, it adds stress. We don't need that. So, we have to get educated on the most realistic scenarios and just roll with it when the time comes.

Are your parents and your husband's parents thrilled about their first grandchild's arrival?
I think they are more concerned than anything else. This is our fourth pregnancy (first three were miscarriages), so they have shared a lot in our disappointments. No one is too excited right now, as we are all aware of the risks and health concerns. As much as our daughter's pending arrival will be a joyous occasion, I think we will all breathe a sigh of relief when she gets a clean bill of health from our doctors. Afterward, I can play rock paper scissors to figure out who changes her diaper.

Long Day At The Doctor's Office

2008-07-18T11:08:00.005-05:00

My parents drove me to U of C yesterday. I thought we'd be there for about an hour, meeting with the Rheumatologist. Well, it turned into a whole day affair.

Here is what was done:
- Met with Dr. Tammy Olsen Utset, rheumatology. Basically she looked at my splinter hemorrhages, did a physical exam, and read my extensive chart.
- Off to the blood lab for a number of tests ordered by Dr. Utset; 7 vials drawn.
- Had lunch with mom and dad at the cafeteria.
- Echocardiogram of my heart valves (much more painful than ever expected) to check for clotting.
- Met with Dr. Stephenson, recurrent pregnancy loss specialist to discuss next steps.
- Back to blood lab for samples for PROMISSE study (medial study I am participating in to check biomarkers of patients with APS and Lupus to determine pregnancy outcomes). Another 9 vials drawn.

This is what we figured out so far:
- My blood panel showed the presence of Hashimoto's Disease, which means my thyroid may fail in the future. This is not life threatening, but I am now aware that I'll need to take some sort of medication to treat it in the future. That said, at this time, it doesn't seem like this condition has any affect on the Little One.
- Dr. Utset is very concerned about the quick onset of my splinter hemorrhages, hence ordering the blood tests and echocardiogram. I am going to be monitored on a more frequent basis to check for blood clotting.
- Dr. Stephenson is equally concerned about my clotting disorder, as any clots may prevent nutrients to flow through the placenta to the baby. She has contacted Dr. MacKay in MN to discuss my future treatment. It's a bit like she's interfering with my care, but since I live so far away, it has to be done.

Next steps:
- Most likely begin low-grade Heparin (a blood thinner) injections, administered daily. I will do this myself.
- Increase my intake of Calcium and Vitamin D, as bone density loss is a side effect of using Heparin.
- Increase weight bearing exercise as well to combat bone density loss
- Regular blood platelet counts (as they may fluctuate with Heparin)
- Ultrasound every 2 weeks to monitor Bubba's development
- Monitoring of skin and nails every 12 hours as soon as Heparin treatment begins. If I begin to show signs of clotting once again, Dr. S would like to go and get Bubba out sooner.

Here are the positives:
- Bubba will be at 30 weeks gestation on Monday. This gives her a survival rate of approximately 95% if she's born premature, and immediately cared for at a NICU.
- The hospital closest to my house has a NICU.
- Baby girls tend to have a higher survival rate than baby boys under these circumstances.
- It's a good thing I was 'retired' from my job, considering how much time I will need to devote to my health in the coming days.
- I recognize that I am under the care of one of the best APS specialists, and that Dr. MacKay is also very knowledgable, kind, and competent. We have the best care possible at this time.
- Dr. DiGiovanni already gave the betamethasone shots, so Bubba's lung development is accelerated. This would have been a point of concern for preemies, but we now have one less thing to worry about.
- MJ is very positive, and tries to keep me in good spirits.
- The Little Girl is continuing be stay active. She is growing and so am I. (I gained 2 more lbs over the last 48 hours!?)

Here are the negatives:
- If born premature, Bubba will not be able to avoid the NICU
- I am so tired
- My parents are freaking out
- Just because the baby is born, doesn't mean that all is well. I face health risks because of my APS for up to six weeks postpartum and will need to continue Heparin treatment until then.
- I am beginning to think about whether or not trying to have children after this experience is worth risking my health.

Here's the learning for today:
- Take good care of your health.
- Be proactive about getting the correct care--I only noticed little lines on my fingernails about two weeks ago, and thought I touched some sort of fungus. Research on the Internet showed this is much more serious than originally thought.
- Seek the best care possible, and do your research. Get a second opinion if necessary.
- Eat more ice cream; you need the calcium.
- Be nice to your parents. Even if you're a grown up, you may need them more than you realize.
- Stay positive.
- Do everything that you can to make yourself happy now--don't wait.

Wishing everyone good health and happiness today,
Cheryl

Going Home For A Bit...

2008-07-15T23:39:00.002-05:00

Headed to Chicago tomorrow because I will see a Rheumatologist who has a sub-specialty in Lupus. Argh. I'm feeling ok, and the little bitty is kicking up a storm. I take this as a good thing. My weight is steadily creeping up--it's about a pound a week and more dramatic than I thought. I now find it difficult to get in and out of my car now. Plus I am much slower in terms of answering the phones (it takes me a lot longer to roll over and actually reach for the phone).

I'll be away until Sunday, because I'll have a chance to hang with my family for the weekend as well.

Hyperactive Thyroid

2008-07-07T01:53:00.002-05:00

Means that I am up when everyone else is not, and sleepy when most people I know are working for a living.

At least my thyroid tests are only slightly abnormal; I will see an endocrinologist on Tuesday morning to figure out next steps. Otherwise, the baby girl is doing ok. She is clearly getting bigger--I confuse her rolling around in my belly as Braxton-Hicks contractions.

I need to buy more stretch mark creme (I know they say the likelihood of you getting stretch marks is hereditary, but it's a pre-emptive strike).

On other fronts, I gained a pound last week and it makes a definite difference in how I move and feel. To think we have 12 more weeks to go, and 11 more pounds to gain. I will certainly be roly poly and slow. Oh well.

Prayers Working?

2008-07-02T09:08:00.003-05:00

Dr. Stephenson and I already spoke this morning. She was relieved to know that I am not on heparin injections, and let me know that the splinter hemorrhages are a cause for concern, but nothing I should freak out about at this time.

Dr. S will contact the U of C's rheumatology department today to figure out what blood tests I should do, and would then contact Dr. MacKay to discuss next steps.

I am so grateful to have the opportunity to consult with her with a quick turnaround, even though she is no longer my primary OB. We are truly blessed to have someone with her experience and knowledge on our team.

Good doctors are clearly priceless.

The Memorare

2008-07-02T00:47:00.001-05:00

Remember, O most gracious Virgin Mary, that never was it known that anyone who fled to your protection, implored your help or sought your intercession, was left unaided.

Inspired by this confidence, I fly unto you, O Virgin of virgins, my Mother. To you I come, before you I stand, sinful and sorrowful. O Mother of the Word incarnate, despise not my petitions, but, in your mercy, hear and answer me.
Amen.

Please Pray This Is Nothing

2008-07-02T00:30:00.003-05:00

I just wrote the following e-mail to Pat, Dr. S's APS research assistant:

Hi Pat,
Would you pass this e-mail to Dr. S? I have a question re: APS...
Thanks,
Cheryl

Dr. Stephenson,

I hope you are doing well. I am currently 27 weeks along and have been doing okay.

Quick question: I just noticed that I have splinter-like marks under my fingernails*. They aren't really that long, nor do they cause me any pain. I haven't been smashing my fingers against rocks, so I'm not sure how they got there.

I did a bit of research on the Internet (bad idea, I know), but figured out the following:

1. It could be related to my APS** condition
2. It could be an indicator of endocarditis
3. I could have eaten under-cooked pork and have an infection?!

What do I do? Should I be concerned? Can I do anything about it?

Any feedback would be helpful. I will see my new doctor in Edina, MN this afternoon (Wednesday), and will also ask her. But I was wondering what your thoughts were, as you have had more experience with patients with my condition.

Many thanks, and best wishes,
Cheryl

* Also called Splinter Hemorrhages.
** Also called Antiphospholipid Antibody Syndrome or Hughes Syndrome, it is a blood clotting disorder. Patients with this condition sustain their pregnancies with the help of a blood thinner, such as a baby aspirin or heparin injections.

I'm finally going to bed. Big day tomorrow. I hope the lines under my fingernails go away.

Keeping The Faith

2008-06-29T20:44:00.003-05:00

A posh baby store is going out of business near our house and I dropped by last week. Everything was 40% off. I got a baby book, but I couldn't bring myself to buy anything else. First, even with the discount, the layette clothing was way too expensive. Second, you have an idea how superstitious I have become.

But, the store had so many beautiful baptismal gowns. They were made of soft natural fibers and had hand smocking or other embroidery; so beautiful, and so expensive at full price.

I remember asking my mom about my own gown and she said that it was just okay. In fact, my dad didn't really want me to wear it because the material seemed so itchy. My mother-in-law mentioned there was a baptismal gown in her family, but at this time, no one knows of its whereabouts. So, I have been aware for some time that we would have to get one for our baby girl at some point.

I did some research online about where to buy a gown and how much they cost. It was difficult to get an idea of the quality and workmanship of these gowns. Some were overly frilly, like mini-wedding dresses. Some were just plain fugly. However, these garments had one thing in common: they were expensive for the material. I looked online for the exact same gowns that I saw at the posh baby store--and sure enough, they were quite costly--some more than $200. Yipes!

So... while running errands today, I stopped by the baby store again to look at the gowns. This time, they seemed more appealing with the discount. I called my mom to check with her to see if it was okay. She seemed to think it would be alright, because MJ and I have very good intentions. So, there is a baptismal gown hanging in Bubba's closet. I guess I'm trying to be more hopeful about the future.

In the meantime, we are continuing to pray that she continues to develop normally and joins us in a timely fashion. We thank you for all of your love and support.

And Yet Another Doctor

2008-06-26T16:29:00.002-05:00

Since we moved to Edina, MN, I had to say goodbye to my doctors at U of Chicago. Yesterday Mark and I met with Dr. MacKay. U of C was kind enough to send all of my medical information, so when we met Dr. Mac, she was already up to speed. Not a lot happened during our meeting. She checked Bubba's heartbeat (140 bpm--good), took external measurements of my belly, checked my weight and did a urine dipstick.

I'll come back next week for my glucose test and an ultrasound to check cervical length and see how big the Little Miss is.

Mark was able to come with me--which was very nice. He had a bunch of his own questions and thought Dr. Mac was pretty good thus far. I'm glad.

I Just Don't Get It

2008-06-26T16:08:00.002-05:00

I was running an errand at the Mall of America a few days ago (don't be impressed; it's just a really big mall, nothing spectacular, like uh, The Mall at Short Hills or King of Prussia) and I heard this guy hollering at me, "Hey Mama! Hey Hot Mama!"

I thought to myself, "Clearly this person is deranged. I will not respond. Maybe he has Tourette's Syndrome or something."

Then, this afternoon, as I explored Nicollet Mall in Minneapolis (perhaps the equivalent of State Street in Chicago) another dude walked by me and said, "Hey sexy."

Huh? I'm pregnant, people. These curves aren't permanent. Did they even notice I have a bulging belly? And a wedding band on my left ring finger? What the heck!?

The last time I heard these sort of comments were when I was in my twenties living in NYC... and I was single... and not with child. I'm no supermodel, but the guys in NYC were pretty forward. My assistant used to get comments when she went anywhere (and she is indeed stunning) regardless of whether or not she was well turned out. People are fearless there. If they find you interesting, they'll walk up and talk to you. It doesn't matter where or when. Many of my girlfriends who still live in NYC get complimented all the time. One day, a friend and I were walking into a subway stairwell near the public library and a short Latino guy said to her, "God bless you, honey" and winked. It made her day. Heck, it made my day too.

When I moved to Chicago, I noticed that single men would just stare at you. They wouldn't actually walk up to you and introduce themselves, or compliment you sincerely. They would just stare. It was kind of annoying or creepy. In fact, the only time I was honked at in Chicago was from taxi cab drivers--and they only wanted you to know they were there in case you decided you'd rather not walk. Not because they thought you were cute.

So now I live in Minneapolis and get hollered at... but maybe the guys who live here like pregnant women? Oh well, I don't plan to run errands at retail districts without either Mark or another girlfriend from now on.

So I Broke Down And...

2008-06-24T12:49:00.004-05:00

... registered at Target Baby, Amazon, and Pottery Barn Kids.

I have had many friends ask us about a baby shower and then where we are registered. Please know we appreciate all of your love and support, but do not want to make a fuss about the Little One's arrival. Thus, we do not want a baby shower and do not plan to set up a full nursery well in advance. We'd rather that you fuss all you like as soon as she is arrives, safe and sound.

Mark and I are doing well and will be able to provide Bubba with everything she could possibly need. But these lists might be helpful for those of you who'd like to spoil Little Miss anyway.

With much love and gratitude,
Cheryl

I Don't Understand Roger Clemens, Andy Pettit, or Jose Canseco

2008-06-12T08:00:00.008-05:00

I don't understand how athletes can take steroids on a regular basis. It hurts! Dr. DiGi started me on betamethasone injections yesterday. It's a steroid that helps accelerate Bubba's lung development. In case she decides to debut early, she'll have a fighting chance.

Now, I go to the doctor almost every week for one reason or another. I'm even participating in a medical study, which requires me to have my blood drawn to fill 8 or so vials each month. I'm not a fraidy cat when it comes to shots and needles, but...

MAN THAT HURT! My mom was in the exam room with me and she was amused at how much I howled. The needle wasn't the painful part. The injection actually felt as if it was searing through my behind. And the kicker is: I have to go back today and do it all over again. But thankfully, I'm done after that.

I told myself that it was better that I got the shots than Bubba, and at the end of the day, this is for our baby; not to win the World Series, or improve my home run count (which is a piddly 5 on Wii Sports). So... my pain in the ass is for a good cause indeed.

Beware the Drinking Water

2008-06-10T22:34:00.004-05:00

Talk about a baby boom. Another gal I knew from my childhood is pregnant with her first child and is due in September. While I couldn't stand her when we were growing up, I'm still happy for her and her family. Yay! More babies coming into the world.

But the better news is: one of my (former) clients is expecting a baby as well. :)

Retirement

2008-06-10T10:52:00.002-05:00

As part of our move to Minnie, I was unable to keep my job. While I'm sort of sad about it, I realize that I simply cannot do it all. My health hasn't been that great, and my job was very demanding. With the new changes (including Bubba J) heading our way, it seemed only sensible to take a few things off of my plate.

My last day was yesterday and it was quite hectic. I had client meetings, said goodbye to co-workers, and turned in all of my gadgets and paperwork.

What irked me, though, is that my now-former boss basically said I was retiring from my career to be a full-time mommy. It's not entirely true. MJ pointed out that this is more like a sabbatical. I sort of felt a bit insulted; as if I'm some old gray mare who ain't what she used to be.

But... I won't know until I get there. I see this as a time to re-invent myself. I might find other talents and pursuits in life. As much as I'm unhappy about leaving the working world, I so excited to be Bubba's mom.

My Trip To The Zoo, I Mean Labor & Delivery

2008-06-04T23:49:00.001-05:00

Bubba is doing well. I think the stress of moving took its toll. Monday was packing day. While professional packers were putting our belongings in boxes, I was working and running errands. During the day, I felt some cramping. It was brief, but painful. Later that night, I noticed some blood when I wiped after using the restroom. I immediately called Dr. DiGi's office. After speaking to a resident, I was advised to go to U of Chicago's Labor & Delivery clinic and arrived there at 1AM.

Once I got there, I had to basically share my pregnancy and related medical history with the doctors multiple times. After a while, both the resident and medical student asked me on separate occasions, "What exactly do you do for a living?" and were surprised to learn that I am in finance, not medicine.

They put me on a fetal monitor to check Bubba's heartbeat and to see if I was having any contractions. Our baby girl's heartbeat was strong and consistent and thankfully my cervix was closed and I was not having any contractions. I was no longer bleeding as well. It was such a relief.

The L&D team suggested that I get more rest and see Dr. DiGi for a follow-up. I arrived home at 3AM, so exhausted.

The following morning, the movers came and put all of our stuff on the truck. MJ spent the rest of the afternoon cleaning up. I tried to help whenever I could, but was reminded by my husband to take it easy.

During my follow-up with Dr. DiGi, she told me to get more rest... duh. I also found out that I lost weight over the previous week. This made my mom freak.

These days, I am living in Deerfield with my parents, as Mark is on a business trip. I assure you, that my mom is now watching me like a hawk, to ensure I am getting more rest, plus she's making sure I eat more and healthier. Please do not worry for Bubba, as the worst of the stressful things are pretty much over. MJ and I move to Minnie on Sunday 15 June.

Oh Yeah, I Almost Forgot I'm A Chick.

2008-05-28T21:55:00.009-05:00

The parking attendant at the O'Hare Remote Lot mumbled something to me on Monday evening as I handed him my ticket.
"I'm sorry? I didn't hear what you said." I told him.
"You're so pretty." He replied.
"Oh." I muttered as I handed him my credit card.
"$59 and your phone number." He said, as he handed me my card and receipt.
"Um, you're very nice, but I'm married and have a bun in the oven."
"Lucky man!" He smiled, as I drove away.

It never occurred to me that a pregnant woman could also be good looking. I think I totally cut off that part of myself. In some respects, a person with my pregnancy history is pretty much told to be very careful with her health. It means no alcohol, no raw food, no exercise, no sex, no orgasms, no nothing. Just rest, healthy eating, and no stress.

But in my mind, it also meant no make-up, no hair-dos, no shaving of my legs, no stylish clothing, no high heels... Mr. J pointed out that my leg hair was getting pretty gnarly on Monday afternoon. Yipes!

So the next day I finally did something about it. I broke out with the make-up and the quadruple blade razor and went to town on myself. Apparently the results were staggering.

"You look radiant, by the way." A co-worker said to me that morning. "I mean I don't want to get reprimanded by the HR police here, but pregnancy is treating you well."
"I actually made an effort for once." I laughed. "I nearly forgot how to put on the make-up."

Then later that evening, when I visited my folks, my mom told me, "You are definitely having a girl. You look nice today."

Guess I need to pay more attention to that sort of stuff. I mean, I'm not a genderless blob. I am preggo, after all; at some point I had to have looked attractive, at least to my husband. :)

22 weeks, 2 days...

2008-05-28T20:50:00.003-05:00

My appointment with Dr. DiGi went well today. Baby girl is doing fine. She's kind of obsessed with her feet, as they were right near her face during our ultrasound this afternoon. Does this mean a majority of our disposable income will go to her shoe collection? If so, then she it's obvious our daughter takes after me. :)

Bubba now weighs 1 lb, 1 oz. Hurrah! I, on the other hand, weigh 141.2 lbs, up from 134 about four weeks ago (and 128 pre-pregnancy). Yipes! I don't think I have ever been this heavy before. Oh well. I keep telling myself that so long as we have a healthy baby, it's worth any amount of weight gain. Who cares? At least, that what I keep telling myself. No worries, I got a Wii Fit on the first day of release, so I can break it out once I get the green light from the Doctor, post push.

I can tell that the extra weight has changed the way I move around. I move even slower than before (I thought this couldn't be possible). It's difficult to stand up or sit down. But here's the kicker: I can't get a good night of sleep. My lower back, hips, neck, and shoulders get sore at different times, and I wake up from the pain. I have body pillows, but they aren't as effective as they once were. Dr. Digi's PA, Brooke, mentioned that I could take a Tylenol for the pain, but she didn't say anything about Tylenol PM, so I'd rather not bother. That's like telling me we can go to McDonald's but I can't order any fries.

The cervical length measurements continue. This week: 32mm--that's a number that I like. The tech today was Katie, who is my favorite of the ultrasound team. She's really friendly and seems to be quite interested in everyone's baby and its development. The others seem so terse and harried.

Quick Update

2008-05-20T14:17:00.003-05:00

1. Found out I have 3 more preggo buddies. Hooray! A former roomie is expecting her 2nd child and is still in her first trimester. A college classmate is expecting her first baby boy in September, and a childhood friend is expecting her second child in November. There is a baby boom, people. Watch out for that water. :)

2. Discovered the "Rockabye Baby" series; compliations of songs re-recorded to sound like lullabies. I downloaded a few songs from iTunes, to get Bubba acquainted with the music her mom loved in high school. Little Miss now listens to The Cure, Smashing Pumpkins, Nine Inch Nails, Coldplay, Mettalica and No Doubt. She's a fan of The Cure, especially, "Just Like Heaven" and "Lovesong"; when I play the lullabies and sing along, she's tapping her foot on my belly. So cute!

Level II Ultrasound Scan Results Good!

2008-05-14T23:12:00.002-05:00

I had an extensive ultrasound scan today, which lasted probably about 1 hour and 20 minutes. Anna took many measurements, including the size of Bubba's crainium, her arms, legs, kidneys, etc. She's doing well. :)

I have photos of her face, and I think she looks a lot like her dad. There's a hint of a cleft chin, and probably Mark's nose.

My cervical measurement was within normal range--but a little shorter than 33 millimeters as it was two weeks ago. It is okay for the cervix to shorten as the baby grows. The good thing is that the cervix is still closed. Hurrah.

I kept on asking Anna, "Is everything ok? Is that measurement normal?" And so far, we haven't be told otherwise.

Thank you God, for another good day.

I Received This E-Mail Today...

2008-05-07T18:08:00.004-05:00

From: Suma, Dronavalli, MD
To: Cheryl C

Re: Blood Test Results Available
May 7, 2008 3:01 PM

Good News. Your thyroid tests are closer to normal than before. How is your pregnancy progressing?

I think it would be reasonable to recheck your levels in 8 weeks.

Dr. D

Yahoo! Yet another thing that is finally going our way. :)

Feeling Frumpy

2008-05-07T14:15:00.005-05:00

I think I've lost my mind. I sent the following e-mail to my girlfriends today. Someone please send me a Fudgie the Whale ice cream cake!

"I think I've given up on a whole part of my life. I wash my skin 1x/day if I am lucky to remember. Am too tired? Lazy? Dunno. I haven't worn make-up since... December? Hmmmm. My idea of shopping is buying a maternity-sized t-shirt from the Gap, because it's on sale. What the heck happened to me!!

"Oh, and I'm leaking milk. I read that it's normal, but so darn uncomfy.

...

"In this case, new life change = utter confusion/frustration.

"These are the hormones talking. Please delete upon receipt."

Right after sending this e-mail, I was convinced they were all laughing and shopping together at Bergdorf's for new Louboutins. I know, I was totally delusional. I talked myself down from that, since two were in NYC, one in LA, and the other in Minneapolis.

It's Baaaack!

2008-05-06T09:17:00.002-05:00

Heartburn + Allergy Season = No Sleep

I am so tired. I was up practically all night because I couldn't breathe through my nose (allergies) and I was uncomfortable (heartburn).

I'm trying to space out my meals today, but there's really nothing I can do about the allergy. Argh.

At least the flowers are pretty outside. :)

30 April 2008

2008-04-30T22:38:00.004-05:00

Today is a big day. Mark and I got married 3 years ago. It was one of the best days of our lives. The thing I cherish the most, was the fact that so many family and friends were able to celebrate the day with us. It was such fun, and I remember just smiling so much, especially when I looked at my now-husband. Some of my dearest girlfriends met each other at the wedding and hit it off. They have been good friends ever since, and I am in contact with all of them quite often. They tell me the 'party favors' at our wedding were priceless. I'll have to agree. What a gift.

We also got some great news today: at my ultrasound, the tech saw '3 lines' in Bubba's *ahem* private region. Apparently, '3 lines' means we're having a girl! It was quite a surprise, considering that our daughter has been pretty adamant about NOT cooperating during scans. This was our third attempt at trying to find out. As much as you try to wiggle around the transducer, our baby girl does not want to untangle her legs. We were lucky to find out, only because my precious cargo decided to smell her left foot (or something like that) for a split second.

Bubba J is doing well; growing on track and swimming vigorously in my womb. She is also extremely limber--and has cute (and surprisingly large) feet. :)

As usual, the purpose of my appointment was to measure the cervical length: 33 millimeters--consistent with the previous scans. This is still good!

While we are thrilled to know the gender of our child, Mark and I are still cautious. I don't think we'll even discuss names for another 8-10 weeks or so. I tried cruising the websites to look at baby girl clothes, but cannot bring myself to look at them for long. Her arrival still seems a bit far off and we don't want to get so ahead of ourselves.

We are so thankful for today for these reasons and more. There is plenty to look forward to in the coming year. Here's praying for more great days.

Preggo Buddies

2008-04-28T18:57:00.006-05:00

Now that I'm past my first trimester, I feel a little more comfortable admitting that I'm pregnant. I am willing to talk about my pregnancy, so in turn, I am learning that other friends are expecting as well.

Yippee! I'm so happy that I now have preggo buddies. One is due two weeks before Bubba, and the other is due five weeks afterward. It's nice to finally reach out to someone knows exactly what I'm going through and say, "Is this normal?" or "I am losing my mind" or my personal favorite, "I'm making spaghetti and it's 1 AM! Aaaah!"

Yay! More good news in this world. :)

Dear Bubba,

2008-04-24T23:33:00.002-05:00

You have been doing so well over the last 1.5 weeks. No spotting or nothing! Great job baby! We are so glad you're still with us. The past few days have been really stressful for both Mommy and Daddy, so we are thrilled that you're hanging in there. Please continue to be the little fighter that you are. I'll try my best to get more rest, feed you yummy food, and keep your 'apartment' in tip top shape. We'll be with Daddy tomorrow and you can show him how you swim around and make the roof of your 'crib' rumble a little bit. :)

Love you very much,
Mom

Last Week Bubba Was An Avocado

2008-04-21T19:33:00.004-05:00

According to www.babycenter.com, Bubba is the size of a turnip now (17 weeks). Mark and I thought of eating the fruit or vegetable of the week in honor of the baby, but we'll start next week when his/her relative size is similar to that of a bell pepper. We both cannot stand turnips or radishes. :)

No Baby Showers, Please

2008-04-17T14:27:00.003-05:00

A few girlfriends have asked me about planning a baby shower. It's so sweet of them to offer, but I'm kind of wary about having one. With our history, I would hate to make a fuss about Bubba before he/she actually gets here, but there is much more reason to celebrate after he/she is born. It would be perfectly fine with us if you'd like to make a fuss at that time. (And...if you want to bring us a Fudgie the Whale cake from Carvel, I'll love you forever.)

Bubba is Modest

2008-04-16T13:56:00.003-05:00

Had another ultrasound to measure cervical length. It's still long: 31 mm. Anything less than 20 mm is cause for concern. There was more good news: my subchorionic hematoma is nowhere to be found. Hurrah!

Katie tried to figure out if Bubba is a boy or a girl, but this baby is very shy and crossed his/her legs and refused to budge. More hide and seek games as well. But we got a very distinct wave. You can see Bubba's fingers and metacarpals already!

No More Spotting!

2008-04-14T21:30:00.002-05:00

Yahoo! I went to work this afternoon today. It was nice to be out of the house, and I actually got some work done.

Aside from this, well... we are popsicle poor. I inhaled most of them. :)

Popsicles Do The Trick

2008-04-10T13:27:00.003-05:00

Spotting hasn't let up, nor have my nosebleeds. Argh. Either I'm bleeding from the top of my body or the bottom. It's so frustrating. But so far, I'm not in any pain, so I take that as a sign that Bubba is okay.

On other fronts, I quit watching baby tv shows, like "Bringing Home Baby" and "A Baby Story" because it gets me either freaked out about labor and delivery, or freaked out about what we'll actually do when Bubba gets here.

IF Bubba gets here. Hence, another reason to boycott the shows. I still get scared that something terrible will happen and there will be no Bubba. While other pregnant women are taking this time to shop for their babies, plan nurseries and buy onesies, I have not done a single thing. I just cannot bring myself to get so far ahead. In fact, I kind of focus on today and possibly the next day. That's about it. Things get done, but there is very little long-term planning. I cannot afford the stress.

I do, however, have a remedy for my anxiety; every time I have a worry attack, I take a nap, then occasionally have a popsicle. Things always seem to be better after having both.

It Was Like Brangelina Was There

2008-04-08T09:15:00.005-05:00

Now that I graduated, I really do miss Dr. Stephenson. She was my ally, my stauch defender against those who do not take miscarriage seriously, and my advisor in an Obi-Wan Kenobi sort of way. As a thank-you, Mark and I sent Dr. S and her team a few bottles of wine--I am drinking vicariously through them for a while. She called me the next day to thank us, and to say that we had similar taste in bold Italian reds*. :)

While waiting for my ultrasound appointment yesterday, Dr. S came into the clinic with her lunch and there were a throng of fans waiting for her. A family with one toddler and a newborn bum rushed her and asked if she'd take some photos with their new baby girl. Of course, Dr. S happily obliged. She is wonderful to couples and even better with babies. The little one was so cute (of course), but I realized that it was a such a special moment for the parents to take this photo. I can only imagine how important Dr. S was to them in creating their little family. When I offered to take a photo of the whole family with Dr. S, the mother said, no that's okay. They got the most important shot of all.

I said hi to Dr. S quickly. She gave me a hug and pointed out that I was showing. I briefly mentioned how I was doing and she reassured me that the spotting was ok. She also seemed to feel that I was in good hands, since I was already having the cervical length monitored. I let her go back to her adoring fans...

"We've told everyone we know about you," a couple gushed. "We cannot thank you enough." I know exactly how they feel.

I really hope that Mark and I will have the chance to take a photo of Dr. S and Bubba in the Fall. Of course, with our luck, the baby will hide from my camera. :)

* We gave Dr. S the following:
2001 Bracco Amarone Della Valpolicella Classico
2001 Carpineto 'Farnito' IGT Toscana

We gave her nurse, Debra:
NV Gruet 'Brut' New Mexico

We gave her coordinator, Justin, a bottle of Jameson's.

Like Father, Like Bubba

2008-04-08T08:55:00.005-05:00

Per Dr. DiGiovanni's orders, I had another ultrasound yesterday to measure my cervical length. This is simply a precaution in order to be proactive about any potential cervical incompetence. I had a LEEP procedure in 2003 and was diagnosed with carcinoma in situ. My gyne-oncologist also suggested a cold knife cone, but we didn't end up going through with that. Both procedures involve slicing off layers of your cervix, so we need to make sure there is enough to keep the uterus closed and hold Bubba inside.

So far my cervix is still closed and long. Phew! My subchorionic hematoma (clot) is smaller, and Bubba is now 4 ounces. The baby is showing a bit of his/her personality: when the tech tried to get a look at his/her face, Bubba made two little fists and hid from the transducer. It was as if the baby didn't want to get a photo taken, or was playing peek-a-boo. Either way, it reminded me of Bubba's dad. :) The baby's heartbeat is still strong, and there is plenty of room in my uterus for this kid to wiggle around, which he/she does quite a lot.

This ultrasound appointment lasted nearly an hour. The technician took measurements and photos of each one of Bubba's body parts. Left and right feet, legs, arms, heart, stomach, kidneys, spine, etc. The baby is growing on track so far. What a relief. Anna, our tech, tried to figure out if Bubba was a boy or a girl, but it was not yet obvious--which is okay, given the earliest you usually find out is 16 weeks, so we're a week early.

As far as the brown bleeding goes, I was advised to keep still and not move around so much. But I think I'm finally nearing the end; late last night, I passed a brown clot the size of a pearl--roughly the measurement of the hematoma we saw on the ultrasound yesterday. Cross fingers we'll have a drama-free week!

I Grounded Myself

2008-04-06T23:11:00.005-05:00

This weekend didn't start out so great. My brown spotting hasn't stopped, and in fact I was seeing a bunch of colors. It was disconcerting. I was actually bleeding at 4:30 AM on Friday morning, so I decided to stay in bed just to be sure.

Later that day, I called Dr. D's physician assistant, Brooke just to get a sanity check that this was normal. She said it could still be my subchorionic hematoma, or cervical irritation due to a pap smear I had last Wednesday during my first visit to Dr. D. Just to be sure, she said she'd meet me at the U of C to check for Bubba's heartbeat. Bless her. I took her up on her offer. The doppler reported that Bubba's heart beats around 150 times per minute. Nice and strong. Yippee.

I got myself back into bed immediately when I got home.

For most of the weekend, I pretty much stayed in bed. My mom and dad dropped by on Saturday to hang out. They brought me a lot of Lumpia Shanghai. It was soooo good. I have been craving this for almost a month. Yummmy.

What else? The spotting hasn't stopped, so I plan to work from home this week. It's not optimal, but I don't want to take any chances.

P.S. I clogged the toilet again. Argh! Dr. D prescribed a prenatal vitamin with a stool softener. Here's hoping this does the trick.

Bubba's First Trimester Screening Results

2008-04-01T13:52:00.004-05:00

So, the genetic counseling office called with our results. Bubba has no elevated risk for Trisomy-18. The chance that we'll have a baby with Down's syndrome is 1:360 or 0.3%. Phew.

They recommended a Level II ultrasound at 20 weeks and another blood test at 16 weeks to check for spinal cord abnormalities, etc.

Otherwise, nosebleeds and more brown blood. Argh. And they say your 2nd Trimester is better. I guess so, but it never ends, does it?

Shout Outs

2008-03-27T11:47:00.013-05:00

Thanks to my family and friends who have been reminding me how young I still am!

- Mark, my most awesome baby daddy
- Mom and Dad in IL
- Mom and Dad in VA
- Mina and Isabella Politte
- Tracy Branco Medeiros
- Adriane Williams
- Shawna Aschmies
- Liz Dunn
- Maureen O'Brien
- CJ Frogozo
- Susie and Billy Gould
- The Watterson Family
- Alfredo Carrillo
- Scott Humber
- Glen Anderson
- Emily Leung
- Erin Schaffner
- Floremy and Robert San Mateo
- Christa Ferris
- Kristan Rowland
- Catherine Gacad
- Adriane Sack
- Michael Savini
- Clayton Boland
- James Lipinski
- Vinesh Merai
- Aashish Rajguru
- Sindhu Ramana
- Jodi Chesak
- The Greenspuns
- Harry Silverstein
- Cass Cortez
- Lyle Cortez
- Pam LaChica
- Maricar Cervantes
- John Bennett
- Anne Yang
- Carol Cortez and Gemma Fazekas
- Lu Ligon
- Ben Lieblich
- James Ratcliffe
- Tiffany Smith
- Erik Cortez
- Jon Chang
- Catherine Hong
- Maileen Aragones Celis

State of Affairs, 26 March 2008

2008-03-26T18:21:00.003-05:00

I guess Bubba has me a bit pre-occupied. Today, my loved ones started leaving texts, sending e-mail and snail mail, and calling me on my mobile to wish me a happy birthday. It was then that I realized, oh yeah, I'm going to be 34 in a few hours. WOW. I think my gray hairs outnumber my age (by a multiple of 5) at this point. Thank goodness for hair dye.

So I have been thinking about the state of our affairs right now. Here's what I came up with:

Bubba is still alive - YAY! YAY! YAY!
I love my husband like crazy - YAY YAY YAY!
My parents and parents in law are my superheroes - YAY YAY YAY!
My boss and the company I work for are very supportive - YAY!
Aside from my pregnancy, I haven't been happier in a job - YAY YAY!
Our friends, family, and loved ones are much more spiritual than I thought, as they have been praying oodles for bubbba - YAY! YAY! YAY!
I have had a lot of rest - YAY!
Mark and I still have our jobs - HOORAY!

I am still bleeding out brown - BOO
Selling our house is a pain in the ass - BOO
Mark and I are apart 3-4 days per week - BOO
I have a zit-covered pizza face - BOO
My butt keeps on getting bigger - BOO
...So with my belly - BOO
My brain hurts, now that I'm back to work - BOO

BUT: I battled Tom Morello, Slash, and Lou the Devil in GH3 and WON (on easy, next stop medium) - YAHOO!

I am so thankful. Lots of good stuff coming up for year 34.

Graduation

2008-03-24T18:48:00.004-05:00

We had the longest office visit at the hospital today. Baby is still alive and very active. The ultrasound technician was practically chasing it around with the abdominal probe. One minute she was on the left side of my belly, then the right. At the end of our appointment, my belly was covered in gel. So were my clothes. Argh.

We are so relieved that the baby is continuing to grow on track. My clot is about 1/3 the size that it was. Dr. S said the brown spotting is probably from this clot--and since it's brown, it is most likely old blood--and that is okay. Phew!

Mark was able to come with me today. It had been more than a month since he came to an appointment. While he's seen many photos of the baby, it was the first time he could actually see the baby move--however, I took for-granted the fact that Mark hadn't been with me at previous ultrasound scans. So... it was kind of hard for him to figure out what to look for. As far as Mark was concerned, the images 'were a cross between cubism and Rorshach inkblots'.

What else? More blood drawn for the first trimester screening, plus about 10-plus vials for a research study that I'm participating in. It will hopefully help researchers of recurrent pregnancy loss of women who have either APS or Lupus. From now on I will give blood to the U of C about once a month until the baby is born.

Oh, as part of our graduation, I gave back Dr. S that sterile container she gave me when I got pregnant. Hooray! I've kept that darn thing in my purse for weeks. It's wonderful that we never had to use it.

Next week, we begin treatment with a new physician, Dr. D.

We thank you so much for all of your prayers and support.

Trying To Keep It Together

2008-03-24T10:49:00.002-05:00

We are supposed to graduate today, but I started spotting brown stuff last night. Now it's full on brown--and when I wipe too. I'm kind of getting worried. I stayed in bed all morning, forcing myself to just sleep my time away.

We are going to see Dr. S this afternoon, so there is not much we can do besides relax. That's what I'm trying to do.

I understand that this might be that clot coming out, or I'm just cleaning my insides out. We'll find out later.

Please pray for our little one, that it's still alive and kicking.

I Just Want To Beat Tom Morello

2008-03-19T22:08:00.003-05:00

I am making some progress in Guitar Hero III. I made it through my first gig, but had to battle Tom Morello. He continually kicked my rear end. Argh! I wussed out and played an encore with him, "Bulls On Parade". At least it's one of my favorite songs... and I really like Tom as an artist, so it was sort of fun (kind of an honor in a geeky video game sort of way).

Only a few more days of bedrest left. I just wonder how I can keep up my practice with GH3...

I Blame The Hormones

2008-03-18T19:30:00.006-05:00

I think I'm giving up on the message boards now. As much as I can identify with the experiences that these ladies are going through. However, some of these women cannot spell words or punctuate sentences correctly. Simple words such as its versus it's are a problem. One poster wrote "no stress aloud" when I'm pretty sure she meant "no stress allowed."

Perhaps it's just my hormones, but I have no patience for this.

I hope to go back to work for good on the 25th. It will be nice to get my brain moving again. Plus, I'd like to interact with people without having to type my words.

How We Got Here

2008-03-13T23:33:00.005-05:00

We lost 3 babies in December 2006, June 2007, and September 2007. I cannot explain the sorrow we felt after each loss. Every time I thought I was finally over it, I realized that I was NOT FINE. I was in hell for more than a year. I threw myself into my work to keep my mind off my pain. I did my fair share of binge drinking. I tried retail therapy. Heck, I see a therapist regularly. A couple times, I just wanted to hide in a cave of pillows and never come out. I was a mess. As much as my friends and loved ones cared, I felt so isolated, angry, and oh so sensitive. I began to think that I didn't deserve anything good in my life--that for some reason losing our babies was solely my fault. These feelings are not uncommon. Believe me.

After the first loss, my OB/GYN at the time said, "Sometimes these things happen. There was probably something geneticially wrong with the baby. You can try again."

These words were so insipid to me. I was overjoyed when I found out we were pregnant. I already started to care about the baby and was imagining what the future would bring. But in a matter of days that all just disappeared and some GUY was telling me, "These things happen" does not do jack shit to console me.

When I found out I was pregnant for a second time, I immediately called my OB's office. Instead of coming in for my first appointment after I am 8 weeks along, we scheduled our first meeting for 6 weeks. Well, we never got to that magical date. This time, my OB/GYN said, "I'm really not worried about your two losses. You're still young. This happened quite early in the pregnancy."

"What the hell? I'm worried about my two losses. Why aren't you listening to me?" I wanted to scream. TWO IN A ROW seems pretty significant to me, and most women I know. You're not worried? How nice for YOU. I'm glad you can sleep at night. Because I cannot.

We were on vacation when I figured out I was pregnant again. But two days later, I miscarried. Even though our vacation was good, it was such a bummer. Once again, my OB kind of brushed off my loss, like it wasn't a big deal. But to me, after three consecutive miscarriages, I knew there was something wrong. And I was MAD AS HELL that I wasn't being taken seriously.

We started seeing a specialist, Dr. S, in November 2007. She focuses on recurrent pregnancy loss at the University of Chicago. She conducted a battery of tests in order to find out why I kept miscarrying.

Please keep in mind that these tests are expensive. In full, I think just testing for my husband and myself is totaling nearly $4000, and a lot of it is not covered by our insurance. Perhaps you'll fare better than us. However, we thought seriously about how much having a family means to us and determined that we needed to be aggressive. My previous OB did a full screening of my blood, but said there wasn't anything abnormal about my results. He also discouraged me from seeing a specialist saying things like "you rarely find out anything anyway and it's expensive."

Screw that. We wanted to actually DO SOMETHING, with the understanding that yes, we might not find out anything. However Dr. S has focused on recurrent pregnancy loss for more than a decade and might have more knowledge than our regular OB.

Dr. S did a full analysis of my and Mark's blood to determine if we have any chromosomal defects. That came out negative.

She also ordered tests on my blood to determine the following:
- thyroid abnormalities--negative, though my TSH was a little high, it is under observation
- factor V leiden and other inherited thrombolias--negative
- other clotting disorders--I have a high count of antiphospholipid antibodies, which now requires me to take a baby aspirin daily, but doesn't necessitate me needing to take heparin injections, etc.

Keep in mind that Dr. S had a copy of my previous blood test from my other OB. Her interpretation of the results were markedly different. She pointed out a few of my abnormalities were consistent with hers and the previously OB's test results. It is safe to assume that I will never see my previous OB ever again.

We also had a hysteroscopy to determine if there were any abnormalities in my uterus (tilted, fibroids, etc)--all is well.

Finally she took a sample of my uterine lining (9 days following my LH surge--lots of peeing on sticks) to determine the maturity level. This test is called the Endometrial Function Test. This sample was FedExed to Yale University and analysed by Dr. Kliman the next day.

Dr. Kliman determined that my uterine lining was at the maturity level of 22.1 days, however... since my cycle began 2 days after the sample was taken (would mean it should have been 26 days old), it would imply that the uterine lining was not developing on track and can be remedied by taking progesterone suppositories. We needed to test dosage before trying to get pregnant in earnest. That would mean, actually taking progesterone supplements 2 days after my LH surge (and after trying to make a baby) and then once again sending a sample to Dr. Kliman after 9 days to see if the lining was closer to 28 days maturity.

So after all of the testing and exams, the new plan was the following:

- take one 81mg enteric coated aspirin daily
- progesterone supplements starting 2 days after LH surge, dosage to be determined, until week 10 or fetal demise (whichever happens first)

Well, we never got to the point where we would figure out the actual dosage of progesterone. I kept on waiting until my cycle would come and it never did. So we needed to hurry and find a plan B.

Since I was waiting for my cycle to begin, I never started taking the progesterone. When I found out I was pregnant again, it was a Saturday night. Dr. S doesn't return calls on the weekend unless they are related to pending miscarriage--a rule from the hospital, so I was at a loss at what to do. The following morning, I tried to figure out if taking it (without an OK from Dr. S) would do me any harm. The answer is no, but it's not recommended. I decided that I should just take the progesterone until I spoke to her on Monday. It wouldn't be that harmful, if it's only 24 hours of treatment and it could help the baby. So I did. It was my gut decision. I figured, so be it.

When I told Dr. S that I was pregnant the next morning, the first thing that came out of her mouth was, "You started the progesterone, right?" I was so relieved that I went with my gut. I came in for blood analysis that afternoon (BHCG and progesterone levels) and everything was ok. Our roller coaster ride was at full speed now. We have not yet gotten off.

I wanted to write all of this out (okay, because catharsis is healthy) but also in the hope that it will be useful to someone else some day. Through this experience, I have come to realize that if my doctor took my first loss seriously, we could have done testing. In terms of my condition, it is obvious to Dr. S that without proper treatment I will almost always miscarry. This is not bad luck. This is how I am wired.

To me, I see my three losses as a sign of laziness on the part of the medical profession. Just because almost 50% of pregnancies are caused by some genetic abnormality means that you should ignore a miscarriage--which many doctors do. What about the 50% of losses that can be prevented somehow? What about all the tears shed by men and women for the loss of these children? Does that matter at all? Apparently not.

So, if anyone else out there has suffered this sort of heartache even once, please do not wait. Try to save any tissue for genetic testing. If those test indicate that there was nothing wrong with the baby, then bully your doctors into giving you referrals to someone who focuses on recurrent pregnancy loss. Demand for testing and do your research on what tests those should be. Interview your family and ask if there is any history of recurrent miscarriage (some conditions are inherited). I don't want anyone to have to go through this 2 OR MORE CONSECUTIVE TIMES (generally the policy of most doctors before proper attention is given to this issue) before they get proper care. A single loss devastating enough.

I am so grateful that we found Dr. S, and even more thankful that she's helping us with our current pregnancy. I am so glad that she takes our concerns seriously and has our best interests at heart. I feel blessed that she is much more cautious that I am--reeling me back in when she thinks I should focus on current challenges. And finally, I am thankful to God that we are able to get this far. Because, at the end of the day, there is only so much that science and Dr. S can do.

Wishing for a healthy and happy pregnancy for all women,
Cheryl

Great Check-Up Today

2008-03-13T23:18:00.004-05:00

Baby is still growing, and I saw a well-developed placenta attached nicely to my uterus in a section that rules out any possible ectopic prenancy. I am so relieved. The baby is now much larger than my clot. Another reason to finally exhale.

BUT

I still have the following issues:
- my thyroid is slightly overactive, but the specialist does not intend to medicate
- I still have APS, so I need to continue taking baby aspirin
- I am not fully into my first trimester so no partying (or working) yet
- given my history, the possibility of miscarriage cannot be ruled out EVER

Dr. S was more upbeat at our appointment than she has ever been, so that made my day. We will follow up again on March 24th--when baby is 13 weeks along.

These appointments will include the following:
- First Trimester Screening (to determine the probability of Downs' Syndrome Trisomy-21 and Trisomy-18). This is the least invasive method, and given my history, an amniocentesis or CVS testing is not on our radar unless absolutely necessary.
- Nucheal Translucency Ultrasound (to measure the fluid beneath the skin behind the baby's neck to rule out possible cardiac disorders and other fetal abnormalities)
- Final Follow-up with Dr. S, since we are GRADUATING!

Dr. S does not treat patients who made it past the first trimester, so she is referring us to a high-risk specialist at the U of Chicago. This doctor is aware of my history and works closely with Dr. S, so I'm not worried that I'll get an indifferent care provider.

It's so strange to think we've made it this far. I saw the baby move around in the uterus, wiggling, waving its hand. I am so grateful.

Bless The Inventor of Lycra

2008-03-13T23:11:00.005-05:00

I caved in and bought a few maternity clothes yesterday. My belly was just too big to fit in my jeans, and when I tried on a pair of maternity pants at The Gap, I wanted to wear them out of the store (yes, I looked better and they were sooooo comfy).

I intended only to buy a pair of jeans and high-tail it out of there. I guess I didn't want to get too ahead of myself. Okay, I was plain scared. I'll admit it. I was convinced that the moment I walked out of a maternity shop with a bag of clothes, the baby would immediately fall out of me.

Well, Mom convinced me that I needed to get more than just one pair of jeans. So... I ended up purchasing the following:

- 'demi panel' city fit jeans
- 'demi panel' long and lean jeans
- 3 maternity tank tops (2 white, 1 black) with 'secret support' bah whatever
- one white wrap blouse
- one white button down blouse

These items set me back more than $250.- (tax included) what the heck!? But I have to say that I don't look as deranged as I once did. I mean, before, I looked like a really fat gal, with a super duper muffin top hanging out of my seven jeans. The lower part of my belly was popping out of any shirt I wore too. It looked some sort of trailer park hootchie-mama or something. Now the baby is all cozy (no more drafts) and I actually look like I'm pregnant in these clothes, instead of just fat.

The bonus: baby didn't fall out when we walked out of the Gap--but perhaps it's because I bribed it with a burger and fries from Johnny Rocket's after our shopping trip. :)

I Got What!? Back?

2008-03-11T23:08:00.005-05:00

It's as if it creeped up on me. But now I not only have a belly, but my behind is getting bigger. My mom pointed it out before I sat down for an afternoon snack. It was a bit of a shock. I'm definitely not used to this, but if it means that the baby is growing, then heck yes. Big I will become.

My Mom, The Gamer

2008-03-11T16:44:00.004-05:00

My therapist suggested I take up a hobby to help pass the time during bedrest. He suggested knitting. I responded with Guitar Hero III on our new Nintendo Wii. It's been fun--but really hard. My left forearm is sore from pressing down on the fret keys. But I managed to rock on the first song (baby steps, baby steps) "Slow Ride" by Mud Hat.

My mom is also enjoying the Wii. She's tried bowling, tennis, and baseball. I found she can get very competitive with herself. When the throws a gutterball, she's mad. It's fun to watch her--she seems like she's having a lot of fun. I can't move around that much, so my performance in Wii Sports is that of an 80 year old person. Oh well, you gotta start somewhere.

I'm doing okay otherwise. No bleeding, spotting, but some cramping. Perhaps the peanut is growing? Dunno. I have a belly, but am still stubborn about avoiding the maternity clothes. My yoga pants still fit, so I am not in a hurry. Plus I don't need to look presentable right now. Just 13 more days of bedrest to go!

Help Freaking Out

2008-03-05T20:39:00.001-06:00

i think i might lose it
i'm more awake than i have been in 2 weeks and just realize that this is an isolating existence
how can people stay at home and be moms? i miss my job and my life
my folks have been arguing all day long
mark is moving into corp housing in minnie this weekend

i'm tired of praying and worrying
and i'm lonely

Still Scared of #2

2008-03-04T12:35:00.002-06:00

Clogged the master bathroom toilet this time.
Oh joy.
We are supposed to show the house this afternoon and plumber--ETA 1 hour.

10 Week Graduation

2008-03-03T17:58:00.005-06:00

Today's ultrasound went well. The baby grew on track--one week bigger than its measurement the previous Monday. I saw this kid move on the monitor. It was the most amazing thing. He/she curled up in its fetal position and straightened out a bit. Then waved. It was both amazing and creepy at the same time. I am quite aware that there is a living being inside me. I've heard its heartbeat (the sound is so soothing each time I'm blessed to hear it), and saw its picture on the monitor. Heck, I keep copies of this baby in my purse. But until I never actually saw it... wave sort of. Whee!

I am now approximately ten weeks along. According to Dr. S, this is a big deal; a graduation of sorts. When my pregnancy was confirmed, she gave me a little brown paper sack. In it were a pair of gloves and a sterile container with my name and ID number on it. If I were to miscarry at anytime before 10 weeks, I was to collect the tissue. Now that I'm past 10 weeks, I can throw this stuff away.

At 10 weeks, the probability of losing a baby because of a chromosomal abnormality is 5% or less, hence the reason why Dr. S has no need for the container. However, in the name of science, I am aware that I may pass my ginormous clot at some point. It could be of interest to Dr. S, so I am not throwing away the container just yet--just in case.

As for the clot, it's 'more organized' and 'looks a bit smaller' than before. But of course it's still a concern for Dr. S. My progesterone will be reduced to 200 mg every 12 hours instead of every 8 hours. Pretty soon, I'll be weaned off of the hormones completely. If it weren't for the clot and ER visit 2 weeks ago, I would be done taking progesterone today. But I'm not complaining. It's something I'm now quite used to doing. Still not pleasant, but hey. The things we do for love, right?

Dr. S noticed that Mark isn't with me at our many appointments. He's joined me a few times, sometimes I'm by myself. Other times mom and dad are with me. She mentioned that she'd try to make the appointments earlier if he could make it. The thing is, I know that he'd want to be there if he could. But with his new job, it's difficult to be away. I'm okay with this. I wish I could explain it better to her. He's not apathetic about what's happening to the baby. But for the sake of our future, he has no choice--sometimes he's in a different state.

What else? I have morning sickness in the evenings. My nose is so sensitive that I feel like everywhere I go, I smell ass. It's horrible. I was trying to explain this to Mark. He thought it was so strange, he suggested that I write about it in my blog. Here I am. It turns out that it may run in the family, since my cousin Mina said she was afflicted with the 'perma ass nose' as well. This is lovely!

On my way out, Dr. S said, "You seem much more positive today."
"I see it this way, "I told her, "When I wake up in the morning and I have no bleeding spotting or cramping, it's a good day. When I got to bed at night, and I still have no bleeding spotting or cramping, it's a great day. And then I start over in the morning."

Here's praying for many more great days.

I Believe In God And Science

2008-03-02T11:04:00.005-06:00

So far, no dramatics. I'm so thankful. I pray a lot. I'm not sure if it helps, but I recognize that there is nothing more that science can do. I believe in science; it's part of my DNA. During this pregnancy, I can recognize changes in my body because biology is a language I understand. I'm able to accept the hurdles that come our way because there tends to be some sort of scientific reasoning behind it. My body doesn't produce enough progesterone. I have a antiphospholipid antibody syndrome too. OK, so that's why I take pills. Fine. Let's get on with it.

Speaking of which, I have been taking my meds diligently, and the progesterone makes me sleep. No surprise. But when I have time, I check my e-mail, facebook, or the pregnancy message boards to keep up with stuff and get my mind off the boredom. My friends have been kind enough to send care packages with books, DVDs, and other goodies. I'm grateful.

Mark think I should quit reading the pregnancy message boards, and I'm on the fence. Sometimes it's nice to learn what other women are up to at the same point in my pregnancy (10 weeks tomorrow!). They are getting moodier, gaining weight, and some have graduated into maternity clothing. I'm not sure how I stack up--probably moody a bit, but I still fit into my jeans (barely, it takes a can of grease and a very large shoehorn to get me in them). For a while there I was worried that I wasn't pregnant enough because I read that many of the moms to be were shopping for new bras, and I didn't notice a difference in myself. Mark let me know that I needn't worry about that--and yes, they are getting bigger. These women come from all walks of life, parts of the country, and of varying cultures and yet we are going through something together. I find it interesting.

There are message boards for women who have had miscarriages. I tried reading them, but it's frustrating because I feel for them so much. Many women who just join ask the same questions: I had a miscarriage, how long until I can start trying to conceive again? I haven't had my cycle yet, what is taking so long? Why did I lose my baby? I hate Aunt Flow! I've been there, so I can relate--but I need to move forward. I got through it, and so can they. Life goes on.

Other women on this board are constantly trying to find out why they lost their babies. One posted a long message this morning saying that she's convinced early ultrasounds led to her 4 losses. She has 4 children as it is, by the way. I feel for her. I really do, but scientifically, ultrasound has nothing to do with her losses. If that were the case, we would never have radios in our cars, or stereo sound on our TVs and computers. It's ridiculous. I couldn't even respond, because I am aware that her pain is so great that she wouldn't listen to reason, much less a science lecture.

It also occurred to me that perhaps she does not have doctors that actually care about finding out why she miscarries--her equivalent of Dr. S, so she's grabbing at straws to figure out why she feels this pain. But all I can do is pray--for her, for me, for our little one, for all the people in this world that I love... that we stay healthy and have our chance to pursue happiness.

It Never Ends

2008-02-28T11:36:00.003-06:00

We saw Dr. S on Monday for a follow-up visit. Baby is still kicking and has a strong heartbeat. But, it was measuring 2 days younger than before. Dr. S told me not to worry about that, but I wonder if my clot is crowding the little one, or something like that.

The clot is still there and hasn't changed much. I wish it would just shrink into the size of a speck of dust and then just disappear completely. It still concerns Dr. S, who I now recognize as a very conservative person. My blood tests showed that my thyroid has working a bit harder on the Feb 21 versus Feb 20, so it gave Dr. S pause. She made an appointment for me with a Thyroid specialist yesterday just to check it out. As far as the specialist is concerned, it seemed just a litle bit higher, but we would need to do more blood work to find out more. So when I go back to Dr. S this coming Monday, I'll also go to the blood lab.

The progesterone supplements now render me almost useless for nearly 20 hours a day. I am thankfully in Deerfield, with my parents, so there is little to do but sleep, eat, shower, etc. My parents have been great to me, it's hard to let them pamper me, but I try. Little things, like getting water are now things my mom does. She doesn't want to leave anything to chance and wants to say she tried her very best to help the baby.

I am almost over my cold, but can hear my dad coughing. I feel so bad, since I'm pretty sure he got this from me. The only consolation is that he can take cold medication, so I hope he will do so quickly. This way he won't be as miserable as I was all week.

I cried last night. I'm scared for our little one. We've come so far already, and the idea that we still might not get to hold this baby in our arms is so sad. I know that we are trying our best. Everyone is. But we're not out of the woods yet. I recognize that my body is just not supposed to carry a baby. This may be our only chance. I'm not sure if I can go through this again. I don't know if Mark wants to do this either. But we're just trying to make the best of this at the moment. I suppose that we'll cross those bridges when we get to them. But it's hard to stay level-headed when you know what you're up against.

My medicine is making me drowsy again. When I wake up, hopefully Mark is here to take me home for the weekend. I haven't seen him since Sunday and being apart is really hard, especially now.

What's Up With This?!

2008-02-24T22:10:00.006-06:00

There is a lot that people don't speak about when it comes to pregnancy, but this one is really driving me nuts. My mouth for some reason won't quit producing excessive amounts of saliva. I cannot swallow fast enough, and although I don't want to barf, I may just. It's driving me crazy. How can I sleep? I've been waking myself up because of my soaking wet pillow! What the heck!?

I looked it up, and yup, some pregnant women are just as unlucky as me. It's so attractive... not! My nose is still stuffy so it's hard to keep my mouth closed when I breathe. But while breathing through my mouth more often, my lips have becomevery dry cracked and dry. I cannot win.

I want cherry jolly ranchers, or something similar to at least try to enjoy this. Maybe I'll ask mom and dad to get some.

But through all my complaining, the good news is that I'm most likely still pregnant, and for that I'll endure just about anything.

Am Sick :(

2008-02-23T07:34:00.003-06:00

I'm not sure if it was because of the emotional drama that went on this week, or if I was just around too many sick people, but I have a pretty bad headcold. No fever, but totally congested and I cough like crazy. It has be difficult to sleep. Since I'm pregnant, I am not allowed to take anything for this. I think I might be able to take 2 tylenol, but I don't want to chance it. I'll mention it to Dr. S when I see her on Monday. Perhaps she can suggest non medicinal remedies. Dr. S also upped my progesterone to 3x more than I was usually taking, so it makes me horribly dizzy. I wonder if the progesterone is also related to my congestion? Have no idea. Ok, going back to bed. Am tired again.

Home At Last

2008-02-22T14:49:00.001-06:00

I'm so glad to be home. I had a night of uninterrupted sleep (or what you can have when you have a hacking cough and aren't used to sleeping next to your dear husband after almost a week). I have had lots of rest, but feel like I still need to catch up.

It's okay though. I'm not spotting or bleeding, so I just don't care about anything else but the baby, Mark and the rest of my family and friends.

I've pretty much learned to ask for help, but it's still humbling and goes against my nature of 33 years. But I have a different reason to ask now.

Dr. S called to check in. Bless her and her team. I will see them again on Monday so we can see how the baby, clot and blood is doing. Thanks for all of your good wishes and prayers.

The Little One Is A Fighter

2008-02-21T11:05:00.002-06:00

Finally back from the ultrasound and I'm relieved to know that baby is doing well. Very active already--and heartbeat is strong. I am also thankful that the clot looks a bit smaller than before, but I still have blood pooling. The tests they ran showed that I do not have severe internal bleeding, so I will be sent home this afternoon (ahem, after I am fed, because I'm convinced the hospital is trying to starve me).

I was put on restricted movement and bed rest for the next 4 weeks (tentative). I already contacted my HR rep and let her know. Most likely, I'll stay with my parents in Deerfield, as MJ will be traveling a bit in the next few weeks. He's also moving to corporate housing in early March, so it will be helpful to have mom and dad around just in case.

Dr. S expects me to bleed again, so I shouldn't be surprised if it happens. I should not be worried if it's brown or dark red. Only if it's bright red. Until then, I am trying to relax. My dad will be coming to get me once I'm discharged from the hospital. I cannot wait to come home.

Why Do People Assume That You Actually Sleep In A Hospital?

2008-02-21T08:09:00.004-06:00

I was moved to OB/GYN at midnight. I now share a room with Dawn, who is a sweet woman in a great deal of pain. Her IV machine goes off ever 5 minutes because there are embolisms in her line. Unfortunately no one tries to fix it so prevent the lines from going off, nor do they come in to shut it off. Dawn's nurse doesn't seem to give her the pain medication she needs (she had surgery in her urinary tract), despite her repeated requests at all times of the night. She seemed to insinuate that Dawn is faking being in pain to get more meds. Dawn's doctors were standing outside our door very early this morning (read 5AM) and the interns (or 3rd year med students) on the team were incredibly obnoxious; one girl blurted out that she wants to make $250,000 in eight years. I wanted them all to shut the hell up. How crass for anyone to discuss money, much less in the workplace, and in front of my door when their patients are supposed to be sleeping? Is no one thinking? Do you actually think we want to hear that? Does that make us trust or like you more? Shut up!

As for me, I am afraid of my bedpan. #2 is emmenent, and I don't want to do it. I'm praying that I'll be in the clinic before my ultrasound when nature calls, so that I can slip into a rest room like other mobile people.

My residents were again apologetic but I let them know that it was unacceptable and that I am extremely tired. They woke me up again to say my ultrasound is at 7:30 AM. Funny, it's well past that time. Gotta love the efficiencies in this industry.

I notice how differently my nurses treat me versus how they treat Dawn. Maybe I'm just lower maintenance, since I need them to be quiet and leave me the heck alone. When Dawn's nurses come in, I try to diffuse their beef with her by cracking jokes like, "Oh, Mary, the IV machine just misses you!"

"Well, I don't miss it!" She laughed as she left our room.

Bedpans Suck!

2008-02-20T21:49:00.001-06:00

I'm praying my baby will keep fighting back so I can tell him/her the funny story when I realized that doing a #1 (sorry if TMI) in front of a person on a bedpan, no less, is stressful. I had massive stage fright. I now have new empathy for potty training.

And so this is my silver lining of the day.

Love to all of you.

Sign Of The Times?

2008-02-20T21:02:00.001-06:00

When my dinner finally arrived, the orderly said, "It's so nice to see a pregnant WOMAN, not a teenager in this hospital."

"Huh?" I looked at him quizzically.

"No, I'm serious."

I suppose a man in his position delivers a lot of meals to the patients, so he ought to know. But it kind of made me sad for multiple reasons:

- First, that with all of our knowledge of science and technology, we still have many pregnant teenagers.

- Second, that teenagers are more successful at getting pregnant than women in their mid-30s.

It's like nature is sticking it to those career girls that their fertility is a-wasting or something.

And Then ...

2008-02-20T20:49:00.003-06:00

I'm in a room in the NICU. Finally. It's not the Ritz, but it will do for now. I have a massive headache and a fever. A resident on my case dropped by to once again apologize for my treatment, and I was icy cold to her. My parents admonished me for my ill treatment toward her, but I'm so angry. "I'm sorry" doesn't cut it at this point. The part that makes me even angrier is that I will be moved again, since a bed finally opened up in the OB/GYN unit. It's around the corner. I don't see the point. Haven't they done enough to terrorize me, when I need to sleep?

Tita Carol found me crying at the clinic earlier this afternoon. God bless her for showing up when she did. I was such a wreck. She sweetly asked Justin to find a place for me to lie down, and bless him, he did. Not soon afterward, they found a room. Tita Carol also called mom and dad to let them know where I was, and how to find me when they got to the hospital. I guess I was lucky that she works at there. When I introduced her to Justin, I said, "Justin, this is my Aunt Carol."

"Thank God you are here!" He said. Yes, God thank you.

I've Completely Lost It

2008-02-20T15:31:00.002-06:00

I'm crying hysterically at Justin, Dr. S's coordinator, because I'm so miserable. How can sitting in this lobby be good for the baby, when there's a rambunctious 3 year old running up to me, hitting me on the head and then scurrying away (she thinks this is fun)?

To prepare for my admission, my parents are at my house right now packing a few things for me, so I'm basically alone, still bleeding and feeling like my condition doesn't matter as much and other people's issues. It is as if no one cares if I miscarry because it happens so often to other women. But seriously, I am afflicted by a couple of infertility diseases. Diseases! That can be treated and prevented. Don't they get that? What these medical professionals fail to realize is that they are ignoring the life of a person. Yes. My baby is alive and has a heartbeat. He or she has is a person too, whose life is being threatened and needs help.

I'm horrified about my treatment. I know that Dr. S, Debra (her nurse) and Justin are fighting for me. They care about my child, but no one is offering them a solution. I understand that there aren't any beds in the OB/GYN floor, but couldn't they put me somewhere else? Why is it taking so long? I signed the papers before 10 AM and I'm still here.

No Hospital Bed, Yet!

2008-02-20T13:50:00.002-06:00

I am miserable. The admitting paperwork is done and insurance approved my case. However I'm still hanging around the U of C's OB/GYN clinic, waiting for a room. It's horrible. I am so exhausted, and there is nowhere for me to sit or relax. I haven't eaten since coming home from Northwestern's ER at 4:30 AM. I'm starving, but cannot leave (I'm supposed to stay put for the baby's sake, and God forbid they have a room and I'm away.

MJ is concerned from Minnie. He just sent me an e-mail saying, "are you comfortable? I hope youa rent lying in some hallway."

Almost, I found the only set of chairs that didn't have armrests (I think it was designed for obese people) and I am stretched across them. So yes, I look like a rent.

A Brand New Day

2008-02-20T09:42:00.001-06:00

I am at the University of Chicago hospitals right now. Dr. S had us come in this morning for a follow-up ultrasound, since Northwestern was not willing to cooperate. When I was discharged from Northwestern, I was told by the OB/GYN team not come back if I had other symptoms of a threatened miscarriage and that I should just go straight to U of C. The discharge nurse said the opposite, and I corrected him. He basically told me he has to say those things for compliance laws, and yes, I should go to U of C. Are you freaking kidding me?

The good news is that baby is still alive and kicking, and shows that the pregnancy is not ectopic; the myometrium is thick enough to support the pregnancy. I am relieved.

The bad news is that Dr. S is very concerned about the clot and blood in my uterus (it's bigger than the pregnancy) so she wants me admitted shortly to observe my internal bleeding and get me to rest until tomorrow morning. I am too exhausted to argue.

Please keep praying. I have no idea what our chances will be, nor do I know what is ahead today. MJ is in Minneapolis and my parents have been my superheroes these past few days. We are blessed to have them and you for support.

Baby Alive!

2008-02-20T04:03:00.002-06:00

My mom and I just saw the baby's heartbeat. It's healthy and strong. But I have a lot of blood pooling in my uterus and a huge clot there too. The ER doctor is arguing with Dr. S over the next steps. Since this has the potential to be cornual, she wants them to admit me, and then do a more detailed ultrasound with OB/GYN to measure the myometrium to ensure that it's thick enough to support the baby (because of the cornual ecotopic issue). The ER and OB/GYN teams have pushed back, saying they don't think they have the capacity to do so, and basically that I'm fine and they want to send me home.

I can hear them arguing on the phone. Dr. S is fighting for me and my best interests, but they don't seem to get it. I need rest, I am bleeding in my uterus, and my baby is in sub-par conditions. Arguing until 4AM does nothing to help anything. If they kick me out, I need to get up at 6:30 AM to see Dr. S in the morning. They knew that. No one is thinking about the actual patient needs here. It's a big ego fight.

In ER Waiting Room Right Now

2008-02-19T19:55:00.001-06:00

It's horribly crowded and I am bleeding a lot. Just went to the restroom and felt like a huge collection of blood fell out of me. I was supposed to collect the material for Dr. S's research but the toilet was auto-flushing--it disappeared the moment I sat up. Argh.

It's frustrating because I was basically told that my case is of lower priority than other people's at this time. I think that Northwestern's take on miscarriage is the norm: "if it's meant to be, it will be ... the baby probably had a genetic abnormality ... there is nothing you can do" and tons of other flippant responses that make me want to scream. I feel like a third-class citizen solely for the fact that I'm pregnant and I actually want to be--and I'm not some errant teenager who forgot to use birth control. It's maddening.

Please Pray For The Blob

2008-02-19T14:05:00.000-06:00

Trying to keep calm right now. At my last U/S, Dr. S said she saw blood near the baby and that it might come out and I'd see brown. If that happens, I should not worry, but to call.

Well, it happened. I felt a lot of pressure and saw watery brown stuff in the toilet bowl... no clots.

I go in tomorrow for another U/S. Cross fingers. MJ is traveling on business. My parents are on their way over to take care of me.

Heartburn = Hell

2008-02-13T14:51:00.001-06:00

Until the blob came in my life, I did not ever experience heartburn. Now I'm going through it a second time. It's not fun. I had a lunch meeting with a client, and was really enjoying my salad and pasta... but this is yucky.

I wanna go home and cry to my momma. The moral of this story is, stick to eating smaller meals throughout the day. Blah blah blah.

Heartbeat Heaven

2008-02-11T18:33:00.002-06:00

MJ and I had an ultrasound this afternoon and saw the blob (kind of looks like a seahorse or an ear now). It's so much bigger than before and has a heartbeat of 194 bpm. We cried.

So far, Dr. S is not convinced that this is a cornual ectopic pregnancy. For that, I am so grateful. For now I am supposed to take it easy. If we get to week 10 we're in a good place.

Blob's gestational age is now 7 weeks, from 7 weeks 5 days. So our new estimated due date is September 29, 2008. (There better not be a Duke - Notre Dame Football game that weekend, or else I might have to lock MJ in the house).

Three more weeks of progesterone suppositories to go--yahoo!

P.S. Now I want to barf.

2008-02-06T00:39:00.002-06:00

Darnit!

Me Want Food

2008-02-06T00:36:00.001-06:00

My diet is nonexistent. For lunch today I had niblets corn and chocolate chip cookies. Dinner was nachos bell grande and a taco from Taco Bell. And I woke up 30 minutes ago and microwaved spaghetti and meatballs.

At this point, I do not know who the heck I am. My eating habits aren't usually this rotten. Plus, until today I don't think I ever ate past 8pm, or got myself out of bed to eat. The worst part is that I wasn't even starving to begin with when I broke out the pasta.

I think I'm pregnant after all. 'scuse me while I pass gas. :)

First Ultrasound

2008-01-30T17:09:00.001-06:00

We saw a blob today. Hooray! Dr. S said that my pregnancy is much younger than the calendar calculation implies, but not to worry. I have never seen anything in my uterus during an ultrasound until now. The previous pregnancies did not develop long enough to even see a gestational sac. It was exciting.

That being said, Dr. S noticed that the site of implantation was very high and on the right side of my uterus. It was dangerously close to my right fallopian tube. She had the ultrasound technician, Lisa measure the thickness of the uterine lining (myometrium), just to make sure it was ok. It looked alright, but Dr. S is guarded. Implantations such as these might be cornual ectopic--which is extremely rare and can result in a hysterectomy if ignored.

Please pray that the baby develops well, and without complications to my or its health.

Lab Tests Are Back!

2008-01-28T19:23:00.001-06:00

HCG Beta is well over 1,000 versus 46 a week ago, which means it is doubling approximately once every 36 hours. Yay! Progesterone is 22.1--which is within a reasonable range as well.

So I'm happy today. I've never had readings such as these in my previous pregnancies. One more day down, and 240 more to go. It's never over, is it?

Dr. S told me to relax tomorrow and just stay home. My first ultrasound is on Wednesday. I have no expecatations but I just want to stay positive and hope.

Oh, and the spotting from 'fishing' is pretty much over. Thank goodness. I now know better.

Gotta Stop Fishing

2008-01-28T10:32:00.001-06:00

I had a bit of a scare last night. I put in my Prometrium, but I felt like it was going in the wrong place. So I had to 'fish around' for it (it's a suppository, not glam at all, and very messy). When I was doing, I saw pink and red stains on my hand. It freaked me out, because I thought I was bleeding, or I messed something up.

Having spoken to Debra, Dr. S's nurse, she let me know that it's normal, but it was because I was fishing around in there. I promised her that I'll just not be as picky where the Prometrium goes. She said it doesn't really matter, so long as it's in there.

Phew. I'm much more releived now. Going to get blood work done today, and hopefully Debra will let me know the levels by the end of the day. Cross fingers I'm doing okay!

Still knocked up, as far as I can tell.

2008-01-26T22:06:00.000-06:00

Prometrium makes me really sleepy. My boobs are pretty swollen and sensitive. I wanna barf once in a while, but not enough to actually do it.
Blood work again on Monday, so we'll see what the hcg and progesterone levels are by then. I just need to stay positive.

Stranger Combos Have Happened, I'm Sure

2008-01-24T13:51:00.001-06:00

While at the Dallas-Fort Worth airport yesterday, I got some funny looks from people when I bought a copy of Guns & Ammo and Fit Pregnancy. Strange combo, I know. But I study the Firearms industry for a living, and I need to stay on top of stuff.

"One's for you and one's for your husband, right?" The cashier at the newsstand asked me.

"Uhhh.... yeah. Fit Pregnancy is for him." I replied.

The Dreaded D Day

2008-01-24T10:56:00.000-06:00

I'm at 5 weeks, 2 days right now. As I type this, I'm lying in my bed at home. Dr. S ordered me to relax and that the most important thing I need to focus on is managing my stress. Who knew that bed rest could be so boring and yet so stressful?

I let my boss know what is going on. I still answer questions on my blackberry and keep on top of stuff in the market. But aside from that, the Prometrium is making me tired. I am sleepy all the darn time. I don't think I can even drive a car these days.

But how am I feeling, now that it's the day I usually miscarry? Well, I still feel pregnant. My insecurities about being pregnant haven't manifested in full on stress mode, per Dr. S's lecture. To be honest, I am kind of enjoying the idea that I have something more important to focus on right now, instead of my career, or that the house is clean (my new cleaning lady is working on this right now, hallelujah!). But I have done some pretty silly things today: I took another home pregnancy test just to see that I can--and the test line was just as dark as the control line. Praise the Lord! I don't think I've seen that color pink before. I also started talking to my belly. I know I am not supposed to get so attached, given my history. But I cannot help it. I really want this kid. I would give up smooth skin and my size 27 jeans to have it. I'd give up my career (heck, I always doubt that I'm good at this anyway).

I guess the thing that scares me the most is the fact that I don't know what the next day will bring. I've never gotten past 5 weeks, 2 days before. I keep on trying to tell myself that each day is a blessing.

5 weeks, 1 day (and counting)

2008-01-23T08:08:00.000-06:00

So far so good. I'm tired, bloated, not as constipated. My lower back hurts. So basically, I'm feeling great. Ha!

I am trying to stay positive. But tomorrow is just around the corner--and that day is significant. I haven't been able to stay pregnant longer than 5 weeks and 2 days. I'm doing my best to relax. Dr. S told me to curtail any stressful stuff at work. My job is pretty stressful. I was supposed to travel a lot this week: chicago - dallas - denver - los angeles - chicago - st. louis - chicago

So now it's just chicago - dallas - chicago. And my flight home is massively delayed, which means I can just chill out in my hotel room and get my work done.

It has been difficult to admit that I'm tired, or that I need to let go and just let my husband, family, friends, and co-workers just take care of stuff without me. But in the end, my health comes first. I try to remind myself of that every moment.

Having said that, I need to take some meds. Bye.

TMI - Don't read if you have a weak stomach.

2008-01-21T13:02:00.002-06:00

One of the possible conditions of pregnancy is constipation; something I know all too well. But as far as I'm concerned, I'd rather not do a #2 for as long as I live. I'm not sure if it's the fact that it's freezing outside, or that I just stuffed up the toilet in our powder room with my once per week visit, but we had a disaster today.

Try cleaning poop off the floor (from an overflowing toilet) with morning sickness. Ugh.

But I think the worst part of this is: it's not over. My husband is trying to heat up the pipes by flushing warm water down the bowl, since plunging and an auger hasn't worked. I vote that we call a plumber, but... that decision has not been made yet.

So, for now, I'm trying to help by cleaning up around the house and avoiding getting sick near him.

Thankfully we have two working toilets upstairs. They flush fine. As far as the zygote goes, I think it's still with me. Every moment is a blessing. I haven't heard from my doctors yet, so I'm not sure what we'll do next, if anything. Until then, same old thing, but with disinfectant, mops and buckets.

Maybe I'll just focus on raw fruits and vegetables for the time being. Who knew my diet would wreak so much havoc on our house? It's probably my most humiliating day ever!

Prometrium Follies

2008-01-20T12:41:00.000-06:00

"Are you sure this is supposed to be used as a suppository?" The pharmacist asked me this morning. "I think you're supposed to ingest this."
"That's what Dr. S told me. Is that what is written on my script? She said that it can be ingested, but a lot gets absorbed in your liver, or something like that."
"Yes, but I never heard of using it as a suppository."
"Uhhh, I'll call her." And so, while CVS was filling my prescription, I spoke to Dr. S's answering service to ask her to call me back. (Haven't heard back yet, but, hey, it's ok.)

Fast forward 1 hour... I'm lying in bed while watching the E! Channel. I'm on prometrium now. I figure, if this pregnancy isn't viable, my body will expel this zygote, suppository and all. So no harm, no foul, right?

Mr. J is in denial. He saw my HPT, but refuses to acknowledge line #2, saying that it's not real. I understand. I didn't want it to be real too, but what if we went on our merry way and ignored the fact that I'm pregnant? And then, what if we make it past week 5, day 2--then what? Would we be able to forgive ourselves if we could have done something, but ignored the signs? I don't think so. We would like a baby some day and what can I say, you have to fight.

I'm trying to operate under the auspices that I should just keep on going, but just not drink red wine, or party like a rock star. I'll call Dr. S tomorrow to get my blood work. Until then, I'm going to read magazines and get some rest. It's Sunday, after all.

That's all we can do. Looking forward to my new life of moodiness... uh, not so much.

Ok, gotta pee (again).

Two Pink Lines

2008-01-20T01:17:00.001-06:00

I found out I'm pregnant for the nth time just a few hours ago. The two pink lines from the First Response Early Pregnancy test were there. The control line: bright magenta, and the test line: a whisper of pink. But I saw it. It was there. And a line is a line. I know this from experience.

Some women would be thrilled, but I am not--at least not yet. You see, while getting pregnant is easy, Mr. J and I have not been able to actually take a baby home yet. Around 5 weeks, I miscarry.

According to my calendar, I'm about 4 weeks, and 3 days along. Home pregnancy tests were inconclusive for the previous two days and I've been waiting like crazy to actually get my period. It's funny, when we saw Dr. S on Monday, I kind of mentioned to her that I felt pregnancy symptoms, but dismissed it. She gave us a regimen of progesterone suppositories for next cycle, to combat some luteal phase inconsistencies. But Dr. S is questioning the dosage. We need a few more tests to make sure we get it right. Only, whoops, here we are.

Based on what we learned from Dr. S, my chances of getting past Week 5, Day 2 (the day I lost a majority of my previous pregnancies) is unlikely without the progesterone, and we're already behind in treatment. I haven't filled her prescription yet, but am using some progesterone gel that my previous doctor gave me for now. What if it's too late? I will be okay if we lose this one too. At least now, after many tests, losses, and tears, I can say I know why this happens.

So here I am, up late, mostly because I'm a bit anxious. I took a baby aspirin (to combat my antiophospholipid antibody syndrome) the progesterone, and my prenatal vitamin. I'm sitting here in disbelief. I didn't want to believe that I was truly pregnant again. Mr. J and I went out for a decadent, 15 course dinner tonight. I drank a glass of champagne, and a glass of wine. Whoops.

But in the back of my mind, I saw some signs: I got dizzy at Target this morning. I snapped at Mr. J when he was trying to say something cute. I slept for 20 hours the day before--I blame it on my work travel. But the very late period was the kicker.

Last Thursday afternoon, I was scouring the sundry shop at the St. Regis Monarch Beach, looking for pregnancy tests during my business trip. The shopkeeper, a pleasant woman in her 40s took my hand and asked me, "How late are you? Two weeks?"
"One week." I said, as my eyes started to tear up. "But I've miscarried a lot. We don't have any kids."

She told me to breathe, relax, and then gave me directions to a nearby CVS. As I walked out, she said optimistically, "This is it!"

Oh God, I really do hope so.